No. 1211: The winners

Jaspistos reports: Competitors were asked to incorporate the ten words mentioned below, in the order given, into a plausible piece of prose.

For your amusement, the entertaining definitions to be found in various editions of Chambers Dictionary are as follows: ozone: an imagined constituent in the air of any place one wishes to commend; middle- aged: between youth and old age, variously reckoned to suit the reckoner; baby-sitter: one who mounts guard over a baby to relieve the usual attendant; he-man: a man of exaggerated or extreme virility, or what some women take to be virility; noose: a snare or bond generally, esp. hanging or marriage; angekkok: Eskimo conjurer; jaywalker: a careless pedestrian whom motorists are expected to avoid running down; restoration: renovations and reconstruction (sometimes little differing from destruction) of a building, painting etc; faithfully: a meaningless word used in concluding a letter; lunch: a slight repast between breakfast and dinner.

Well done, all the contortionists who managed to perform with an unanxious smile. Perhaps there were too many scenes in South Coast resorts and far northern igloos, in fact a 'faint aroma of performing seals', as Cole Porter has it, but you all showed wonderful verve and ingenuity. George Moor even contrived to read 'lunch' as 'lurch', an interesting error. The winners printed below receive £8 each, and the bottle of the Famous Grouse Scotch Whisky goes to Ian Patterson for a fine imitation of the much-loved column in

Private Eye.

Brighton, Friday.

Dear Bill, You may wonder what I'm doing breathing the ozone. M. is entertaining some President who thinks he's the Prince Regent, and yours truly finds himself a kind of middle-aged baby-sitter pro tem. M. came on strong last night about taking him to a variety show and you know me, Bill, no he-man at the best of times, I ran my

head into the noose and toddled along. The °Id, nerves stood it until an angekkok (God-awfw name for an Eskimo conjurer) came on. Well, I was off over the road like a jaywalker and back to the hotel for some swift restoration. As a result yours faithfully is in the doghouse, sinking another solitary lunch in the Green

Porpoise (Ian Patterson) Ozone layers over Western skies are being

poisoned by Soviet chemical warfare missiles, claims Alexander Haig. The Secretary of State today blamed President Brezhnev's new adviser, Ivan Armandalegov, whom he described as 'a middle-aged baby-sitter for the ailing he-man of mCoenmtn:ie expansionism', for this shock develop 'As the economic noose tightens on Russia, Armandalegov, artful as an angekkok, has per- suaded his mentor to deploy the so-calk" "Jaywalker" missile, which kills pedestrians without damaging moving vehicles — like tanks,: said Haig. 'Our task is the restoration of America's pre-eminent situation in the world. faithfully abiding by the principles so long established throughout our history.

'Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an important lunch, er, summit meeting

In 1950, feeling a bit run do(wStne,phI took reporter with the Sandcastle Gazette, hoping to thrive, breathing the ozone after London's foal fumes. Remember the Sandcastle scandals of that year? The middle-aged golf pro who piece/ around with the under-aged baby-sitter?The he. man actor killed by a karate chop from his petite (Stephen Constable) In ns job a es) mistress? (She barely escaped the noose.) IVI,rs Trance, the phoney medium, whose spirit-guiy,e, was allegedly an Eskimo shaman, an angekkoki I reported those stories — also the bread-and- butter ones (the streetwalker, the jaywalker, etc), and immersing myself in this varied work brought the restoration of my health. I believe ' served the paper faithfully. Anyway, the editor liked me and occasionally stood me a lunch.

S

The August sun sears through the ozone, ee pavements like tortillas in the 87th Precinct. The afternoon is hot. A middle-aged lady lies in the alley, although she is not sunbathing. in her otza

world there is no sunbathing, no baby-sitter to coddle kids, no he-man home at weekends.

A noose decorates her neck.

The city's stock of ice has vanished as swiftly as if an Eskimo had conjured it away. But she has no more heard of an angekkok than the jaywalker skipping near the sidewalk, or the workman engaged in the restoration of the Ic'ea' chapel, faithfully erasing the weekend's obscen- ties. The city dozes over its lunch.

The lady is as dead as a swatted fly.

(Belle R. Welling) 'A noggin of Brighton ozone, Jeeves. Just the antidote to scheming middle-aged wido%v's; Young Bingo needs a baby-sitter — a woman 5 only got to murmur some rot about what a he- man he is, and he immediately pops his head into the marital noose and it takes one of your Ecuador johnnies from the Times crossword t° extricate him.'

'An angekkok, sir. He is an Eskimo - • e

'Anyway, that's who it would take to rescue Bingo who's a positive jaywalker on the road to the altar.' 'A brief holiday might assist the restoration of

Mr Little's mental powers, sir.' I, fay Good old Jeeves. He has served me fail,- le for years and always conies up with top-n°' ideas. I would talk to Bingo over lunch.

(E. 0. Parrott)