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12 YEAR OLD

COMPETITION

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12 YEAR OLD SCOTCH WHISKY

Ism and It

Jaspistos

ISCOTCH WHISKY n Competition No. 1689 you were in- vited to write a piece of prose illustrating what is, according to a reviewer, Terry Eagleton's talent, 'making theory not just compelling but sexy'.

The reviewer in question, writing in the Observer, added for good measure a sent- ence memorable for its trendy blankness: 'He explores how far our thinking must be entwined within the power structures of society allowing, thankfully, for the possi- bility that we will respond critically. He gives a racily-told, partial, often witty reprise of the concept's history, but his insights sometimes seem backward- looking.' My invitation was, I now see with backward-looking insight, bound to lead you into the dangerous quagmire of horri- ble double-entendres, in which some of you filthily foundered. Among the losing entries, one sentence, certainly not sexy but strangely compelling, continues to haunt me: 'The political significance of this gesture is as profound in the human context as Stalin's refusal to use lavatory paper until after the relief of Stalingrad' (John Mounsey). The prize-winners, printed below, get £14 each, and the bonus bottle of Chivas Regal 12-year-old de luxe blended whisky goes to Philip Dacre.

The transmission of the tenets of dialectical materialism to the proletariat cannot be left entirely to the chances of casual, unprepared human intercourse, since experience shows that ostensibly promising subjects may rebel at a dry, unheralded approach, even by a gifted manipu- lator. However, by discreet and astutely directed overtures their humours may be in- duced towards a state more receptive of even the fullest ideological rigour. To this end, all party agitators and disseminatory organs must hold themselves in constant readiness to assist in judicious propagation.

Both subtlety and timing are necessary for the further stimulation of the unpoliticised towards a complete embrace of our system of thought. The task is delicate: failure will result in the vital thrust of our doctrinal aspirations perpetrating a dismal discharge of energy into unintended and unproductive channels, rather than achieving the climactic consummation of a successfully implanted, correct class-consciousness.

(Philip Dacre) Making it with partner

In most serious affairs best results came with a stable partnership. A love score, a clean sheet, and everything to play for. But late at night, after candlelit dinners and with the lights low, changing partners has the added excitement of id over ego. As your companion-in-arms sits with moistened tongue, lips slightly parted and a sweet burning curiosity, you tingle with anticipa- tion of the hands to be held. Then conventions may be flung aside, suits discarded with aban- don, and free rein given to natural and adventur- ous play.

But there are rules. A raise may be encourag- ing, but don't jump too hastily. Use caution when vulnerable — the penalties can be high. Many a man has come to grief when, feeling the rubber safe, he has been careless with an entry. And keep the finesse in reserve until it proves essential.

Next week's Bridge: The Strip Squeeze.

(R. G. Pringle) It is clear that in the models under examination the naked word has much to offer, but, with the insertion of an article and a brief modifier, how much more can be suggested. The use the writers make of figures bears close study and proves stimulating. Coterminously, the firm statement made by masculine rhyme, and the coupling of verses through skilful use of en- jambement (note the significance of the French usage, literally leg over') arouses us, as the breathless beat of trochees hurries us into the eruption of the final stanzas. Even decontextual- ised, the rhythm of iambics and the regular insertion of weak rhymes at points of climax would clearly have a detumescent effect. There is much desirable research to be done on the post-modernist abandonment of end-stopped lines and the risky reliance on unstructured rhythm — or no regular rhythm at all.

(Alanna Blake) The concepts adumbrated in Duisenberg's Asys- tematics, flirting as they do, not merely with metaphysics and synthetics but, all too teasingly, with solipsistics as well, are peculiarly — even perversely — difficult to embrace. The initial intellectual come-on, so wantonly signalled by a prose style whose limpidity has all the lustrous sheen of a Praxitelean skin-surface, is succeeded by a dialectic frigidity and entails an extraordin- ary, wellnigh insuperable difficulty of penetra- tion. Even the lubricant of a prolonged training in panatomic logic may prove insufficient in enabling the unprotected intellect, however

epistemologically erectile, to thrust its way boldly into this cave of ontological light. Howev- er, this very difficulty may itself prove a potent mental tumefacient; and, provided the teleolo- gical siege is maintained with unflagging ardour and resolve, this very persistence of philosophic appetence may prove triumphant, not just in guaranteeing access, but in achieving a truly redoubtable cerebral climax.

(Martin Fagg) The book lies before its critic, tantalisingly available. In fantasy, the act seems simple, to seize the volume, to rip off its jacket, and to plunge recklessly into the ripeness of language.

But now he pauses before the actuality of text, strange and ambiguous. That lacy film of print conceals so much, even as it promises to reveal everything.

Words are deceitful. Seeing them there on the bright page, you'd never guess at their power, their cunning. They lull you with the soft breath of onomatopoeia; they hint at exotic zeugmas and promise deep-thrusting metaphors, but then hurry you with ellipsis, cheat you with periphra- sis and fob you off with second-hand metono- mies.

He reads furiously, desperate both to prolong his pleasure and to reach an ending, knowing that even when, purged, sated, sobbing, he finishes, this text will still be serene, unex-

hausted, paradoxically pristine, awaiting the next poor sucker of a reader.

(George Simmers) In theory, Theory consists of a lascivious poke of the imagination, after which an idea may be stroked gently, caressingly into a hot flush of enthusiasm, tempered only gently by time and the glorious old expedient of spending whole nights investigating prospects. It is nothing definite at first — perhaps a succession of fleeting excitements — but once one has sur- mounted a few initial obstacles, one is genuinely stuck in. This may, of course, involve changing one's position several times, but one generally comes, after a fashion, to a sensation of plea- sure. The theory of Theory is never tempered by experience, for to put flesh upon the bones of an idea raises yet more theory excitedly into the cavernous wastes of the idea itself — a place which is steamy perspiration until with a crack! inspiration floods out. Theory, in short, is the red dress that experience covers in greatcoat.

(Ern L. Wel!bilge)