COMPETITION

Tata Ltd

Jaspistos

In Competition No. 1553 you were asked to write a report, after a particularly difficult assignment, by an employee of an agency which provides representatives who will say goodbye on your behalf when you lack time or inclination to do it yourself.

Vicarious farewells to animals were almost as frequent as to human beings: 'I took the Doberman to the countryside as requested . . .', 'I am pleased to report that your poodle and heir, Tricky Woo, left today for his appendix operation . . .' J. Field had Joseph reporting to Miss Kath- leen after delivering her parting speech to Heathcliff: `Ee jus sed as ee never could mek owt a werd ah sed.' There was a nice cheeky one from Brian Coates: 'Dear Mr Moore, I have succeeded in presenting Jaspistos with the golden handshake The Spectator considers appropriate . . .', and E. Thompson's agent had a very tough assignment abroad: 'Adverse winds and freak storms delayed the helicopter and I was forced to share a room in Anchorage with three fur-trappers — and you know my attitude to trapping.'

The prizewinners printed below get £15 apiece, and the bonus bottle of Cockburn's Late Bottled Vintage Port 1982, kindly presented by Cockburn Smithes & Co Ltd, is taken by Noel Petty.

Arrived at Waterloo at approximately same time as wedding party. Presented credentials to your son and, in accordance with briefing, kissed him firmly on cheek. Subject responded with enthu- siasm beyond requirements of filial affection. Formed impression subject had partaken of judgment-impairing substances.

Bride remonstrated with subject and, receiv- ing no response, demanded to board train, best man assisting her to do so. With aid of bride's father, disengaged subject and piloted him on to train, where bride and best man discovered in over-zealous embrace. Partial pacification undertaken by bride's father, who subsequently identified himself as not bride's father but agent of Goodbyee, Inc.

Train was waved out of sight without visible reciprocation, but couple were considered farewelled as per contract. Bride's luggage has been forwarded to Waterloo Lost Property Office. (Noel Petty) Ruslan was the quicker-witted and would have departed, but Ludmilla kept heading back as if regretting severance from bell, mirror and lad- der. The six months in less than strict quarantine had not helped, as I believe the budgies had been introduced to lager, nor was the presence of the Australian press and policemen to restrain its members conducive to a smooth valedictory return to the wild.

With the imminence of nightfall we feared the sudden appearance of the Southern Cross might prove a shock to birds hatched in the northern hemisphere, but Ludmilla, as if tired of reciting East Coker, took wing and followed an impa- tient Ruslan in the direction of some blue gums.

Thus at last, per your late aunt's testamentary disposition, both budgerigars were released into

their ancestral habitat, though with their cultural accomplishments how they will fare is anybody's guess. (George Moor) Dear Lord MacKay, I write to inform you that the assignment with which you recently entrusted us was carried out satisfactorily. I myself attended the funeral of Cardinal Gaffe on your behalf last Saturday, and paid the respects due to such a distinguished man. When fellow mourners inquired as to the reasons for your absence, I cited pressure from your elders and the fact that, it being the eve of the Sabbath, you were busy separating your cocks from your hens. Neither explanation, unfortunately, met with much sympathy. I can assure you, however, that you were represented with the utmost dignity, and that I should be only too happy to oblige at the next such solemn occasion. Yours sincerely, S. 0. Long

(Alistair Cochrane)

As instructed I met your god-daughter at Liver- pool Street and escorted her to Victoria for the Roedean train. Miss Stogumber there explained that it was your practice (your letter read, 'in the usual way') to 'treat' her and her friends and that she now had a wide circle of fellow-scholars ready to join her. She had taken the precaution of reserving a table for luncheon at a respectable hotel to which we, 23 persons in all, then proceeded. The account for this meal, which I enclose, is one reason for the difference between Tata's charge andthe estimate first given you. After luncheon I accompanied Miss Stogum- ber to the train and obtained a receipt from the guard for the whole party and was able to dissuade the platform staff (at some small expense) frompressing any charge for damages

and/or injury. (John Sweetman)

Report on my attendance at the obsequies for your father. Your mother reacted sympatheti- cally when I explained my presence; she was sureyour father would have understood that had you missed the meeting with the client, you would have lost the account. Your brother Quentin was also fairly unperturbed, mainly because he was arguing, in stage whispers, with the hearse driver about an incident involving a milk-float, a motorcyclist and himself. Your sister Barbara was greatly displeased and you will, I believe, either hear from her at length and in anger, or alternatively, never again. She fulminated loud and long, but her husband (a frightfully nice man, isn't he?) finally calmed her. I took the precaution of slipping away quietly as the service ended despite your mother's kind mention of sherry. I should mention that as it was a sung requiem Tata Ltd will invoice you for my overtime.

(Kay Dixon)

I regret to advise you that the farewell situation for the visiting party from the Takimoto com-

pany was more problematic than I had antici- pated.

My understanding was that I was to accom- pany the visitors to the Departure Lounge at Heathrow, and there bow while saying `Sayo- nara'. This accordingly did. However, it was not explained to me that the ritual had to be repeated individually to each of the 40-strong group. Upon realising this, I attempted to comply, while keeping an eye on the time. It soon became clear, however, that my attempt to expedite proceedings was interpreted as undue and discourteous haste. Also, I had not been made aware that each member of the party would make an obligatory speech of thanks. I did manage to complete the assignment, only to discover that my feet had, all the time, been in the wrong position. I understand that this may negate the recently signed contract, and apologise for any inconvenience caused.

(Basil Ransome-Davies)