SPECTATOR COMPETITIONS—No. 9 Report by L. A. G. Strong .

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Competitors were asked for a set of three original limericks on place-names chosen from the following list (e.g., "There was a young girl of Trebarwith . . Portcurno, Nosely, Exeter, Frensham, Wittering, Shipley, Trebarwith, St. Just, Wrexham, Chichester, Hendon, St. Austell.

This was a disappointment. I had hoped in my innocence that from twelve place-names competitors would find at least three which would stimulate their powers. There was no lack of entries ; three figures were very soon passed. I sorted each batch as it came in, and up to the last was waiting hopefully for the knock-out, the clear winner which should three- times combine humour with technical adroitness. It never came.

Several conclusions emerge from a study of the entries. Whereas a number of competitors can devise one neat limerick, and some can manage two, very few are capable of three. A shockingly large number have no ear, and cheerfully miss a foot in their scansion of a line. Almost as many have no idea of rhyme. Entries coming from vicarages and rectories have a distressing tendency to be roguish. Last of all—this took me back to the days when I corrected examination papers—more than thirty competitors did not trouble to read the instructions, but sent in a single limerick or nondescript verses that were not limericks at all.

To reach a result I threw out the entries last mentioned, those that did not scan, those that did not rhyme, and those that shame- lessly altered the values of the syllables in the names they chose: e.g., Exeeter for Exeter. (Believe it or not, there were scores of these.) Next, I rejected, with full editorial approval, those who clung to the old-fashioned form with the place-name repeated in the last line. Finally, I put away the pointless—and was left with very few.

The following are commended for sets of three which gave pleasure in one way or another: —Gordon Simpson, R. N. W. Bishop, J. P. Hodge, P.M., Michael Albery (with some felicitous footnotes), H. A. C. Evans (who sent entries. in French, Latin and Greek—the last very neat), Nevile Bland (who made his three into a serial), David A. Watson, F. F. C. Edmonds, G. P. Mills, Dr. Brian Whitehead (hapPiest with Chichester), R. Kennard Davis, Col. P. I. Newton, Guy Innes, Captain W. R. S. Robertson, I. M. Fraser, Mrs.- F. M. Lummis (with ingenious rhymes), R. Saunder- son, and—spoiled by one defective lineR. J. Hirst.

Here are a few single Limericks that stood out: 7-- A frisky young widow of Wittering Found widowhood dull and embittering.

The means she employed To fill up the void Set the worthies of Wittering twittering.

MARGARET USBORNE.

There was a young girl of Trebarwith Whom a cad in a car went too far with, Which disproved a report That she wasn't the sort For going too far in a car with.

R. J. P. HEvvisoN.

Said a lovely young lady from Chichester, Whose beauty made saints in their niches stir: " As I'm no saint myself I can't stay on the shelf.

I must just make a fellow with riches stir."

M4SS MAE MCHUGH.

A dismal divine of Porthcurno Spent his time reading Dante's ' Inferno.'

Brooding solely on sin, He drank bottles of gin, Benedictine, green chartreuse and pernod. C. J. RICHARDS.

Such a criminal town was St. Austell, It worried the local Police Faustell With great common sense They erected a fence, And made the whole town one big Baustell.

C. J. G. DE HOGHTON.

(My Celtic ear rejects this rhyme, but I admit ruefully that Southern English is coming to rhyme " horse " with " sauce.") My elderly aunt, of Porthcurno, Kept a series of intimate journaux.

When a neighbouring sage Asked to see just one page

She said " Read what I've wrote ? My dear Sir, no ! "

" VARENKA."

(Shaky, but it has character, which, the majority lacked.) Finally, the winners. In the absence of a commanding set of three, I recommend that the prize money be divided evenly between Dr. A. H. Baynes and S. N. Grove. Dr. Baynes's ideas seem to me the better, but his scansion is rough: Mr. Grove comes closer to the ease and naturalness which characterise the limerick at its best.

FIRST PRIZE

(Da. A. H. BAYNES) So obese is my cousin from Hendon

That she looks elephantine, seen end-on ; What preys most on her mind Is her effort to find A good deck-chair that she can depend on.

My uncle and aunt live in Exeter ; He often shouts hard words that vex at her.

Last night, quite irate, He threw, hard and straight, His National Health Service specs at her.

When I say that. John's niece from Trebarwith

Is a girl no wise man would go far with,

I imply no cheap sneer .. .

Let me make it quite clear,

She's a menace to drive in a car with.

SECOND PRIZE

(Ma. S. N. GROVE) There was an old man of St. Austell

Who said: "Though one cannot, of course, tell

Where the present-day trend In free schooling will end,

I shall enter my grandson for Borstal."

Said learned K.C. from Pordicurno

"Detention today will deter no Young man in his prime From reverting to crime.

Make 'em copy out Dante's `inferno' I"

A deaf lady who lived at St. Just Left her husband one day in disgust.

And the cause of the fuss ?

He'd gone off on a bus But she thought he'd said " off on a bust."