W ater. I have nothing against it personally. There are seas
of it and lakes of it and it comes in rivers and streams and brooks and it falls from the sky and goes round your washing machine (splishsplosh) and splashes into your bath, so you can have a good scrub (wash-wash), and, when you are thirsty, it is not unpleasant to have a glass of it, although a glass of it is different from two litres of it a day, which is quite another thing altogether, although it's what we should all be drinking, if you go along with the Water Fascists, and if this is a very long and boring sentence, then so be it, because I am in a long and boring mood today and, once I'm in a long and boring mood, it's a struggle to be brief and interesting. You've been warned.
OK, the Water Fascists. They are everywhere, preaching about that two litres a day and its umpteen health benefits. It's the best thing for your skin. It's the best thing for your liver. It's the best thing for your kidneys. Water is 'the forgotten nutrient'. Without it, your legs will drop off and your children will look like Ann Widdecombe. Claire Sweeney, giving her diet tips in the Daily Mirror, says, 'The secret is to cut down on food and drink two litres of water a day.' (Not sure you've got a bestselling video there, Claire.) Just the other day I approached a cosmetics counter in a department store to purchase an exorbitantly priced skin cream that would not live up to a single one of its promises but, what the heck, I was going to buy it anyway, and you know what? The hag behind the counter (the sort who looks as though she's applied her foundation with a JCB) interrogated me not just on my fluid intake, but also on my output! 'What colour is your wee?' she asked. Listen, love, some things are private, you know. 'Is it dark?' she persisted. Not telling. Go away. Just rip me off quickly, cleanly. efficiently. 'It should be a pale straw colour.' I did not tell her that my previous day's fluid intake probably included 27 coffees, two bottles of red wine, 16 cups of tea and a barrel of Sunny Delight. On the counter was a little sign that read 'Dehydration is every woman's number one enemy'. Actually, mine's the VAT man, but there you go.
Now, as I've said, I've nothing against water, it's just the Water Fascists — who have come from where? Well, call me cynical as well as long-winded and boring, but is it any coincidence that water fascism seems to have risen hand-in-hand with the mineral-water industry, an industry that in the last 20 years has, in this country, gone from nothing to being worth about £2 billion? When thinking water, we don't think tap water any more, do we? We think Evian and Vo[vie and Vittel and Buxton and Perrier and San Pellegrino (all owned, by the way, by either Nestle" or Danone, companies not known for putting health before profit). And what of my parents' generation, who never encountered such fascism and, as far as I can see, drink little or no water? Indeed, I can't recall my mother ever drinking a glass of water. I call her up. 'Do you ever drink water, mum?' No.' I tell her she should be dead, by rights. She says, `Well, I'm not.' See? Not only not dead, but also in full possession of her marbles. She does not suffer from fatigue, headaches or muscle pains, and neither does she look like a pathetically shrivelled raisin. She plays tennis every day — badly, and with no backhand, but that's not the point.
Right, let's take the Water Fascists' main claims and see if they stand up. First, two litres a day. Essential? Yes, in fact. Can't pick a fight here. Your body does use two litres of fluids a day. You're actually losing moisture all the time. (Breathe on a mirror, if you don't believe me.) But does it have to be two litres of water? Well, according to the Fascists, yes. Tea and coffee don't count because, they say, they are diuretics; they actually make you lose more water than you retain. True? No, according to Tom Sanders, Professor of Nutrition and Dietetics at King's College, London, and no relation to the Colonel. Coffee is a diuretic, but you will still retain some of the fluid, and, as for tea, it's not been proved to be a diuretic at all. 'Tea is the most widely consumed beverage throughout the world, and there must be a reason for that. It's actually a functional food.' Hydrating, you mean? 'Yes.' So if I drink two litres of tea a day, that would count as fluid intake? 'Absolutely.' Also, he adds, you get a heck of a lot of water from food. Fruits and vegetables can contain up to 95 per cent water. A jacket potato contains 70 per cent, An egg is 70 per cent. Chicken is 65 per cent. On average, we all consume a litre of water every day through food. So if I drink a litre of tea a day, that's OK? Yes, it appears, it is.
On to the next claim, the one that perplexes me most. It is: if you are thirsty, you have left it too late. You are dehydrated already. You bad, bad person. Hang on, though. Isn't this like saying that if I feel hunger, I've left it too late to eat food? Surely the safest bet is just to follow your body's signals in these matters. I'm thirsty. I'll have a drink. Now I'm not thirsty. Problem solved. Professor Sanders agrees: 'If you are thirsty, just have a glass of tap water and be done with it,' You're a fan of tap water? 'Nothing wrong with it. I always ask for it in restaurants. I'm not spending £4 on a bottle of water in a blue bottle. Bought a small bottle from a garage the other day — 70p. Bloody racket.' I've worked out that if you do drink two litres of mineral water a day, you are probably spending £400 a year, money which, I guess, could be better spent on „ skin creams that don't work? As for the mineral content of these waters, according to the World Health Organisation they are of no proven benefit whatsoever.
Lastly, have you actually tried drinking two litres of water a day? I did, for nearly a week, most of which was spent seeking out public toilets and getting up 12 times a night. To make it more scientific, I got my friend Alison to try as well, which was rather cruel, I admit, as she cycles from north London into central London every day. She says that, on her first morning, if it hadn't have been for the nice man opening the Argos on the Holloway Road (who allowed her to use the facilities), there would have been a nasty and shaming accident by Highbury Corner. I can only think that Water Fascists must have horse-sized bladders.
One very last thought? OK, if you insist. H.G. Wells once said that the prime aim of any industry is to sell you air and water, You can now buy bottled water with added oxygen. Think about it.
Previous page
