DEBORAH ROSS is not writing this. I am. I am
her son and I am writing the artikel for her this week so that she doesn't get into trubble or Get the Sack, My mum cannot write it herself because she is in a Big Sulk and is in bed with the doovay over her head, and she says she is not getting up again ever and that she hates everybody and everything and doesn't care if she Gets the Sack and has no money and the bailiffs come. My mum is like this because one afternoon she says to dad and me that we must go out to eat because she has got to write something for The Speccie and let's go to TGI Friday because she knows it is garsley and it will be funny and dad says he doesn't want to go somewhere garsley again just because it will be funny and that he is quite comfortable where he is, thank you very much, and mum says OK, she'll take me, but then I say I am fed up of being in her artikels, and am quite comfortable where I am. thank you very much, and why doesn't she just go hire a kid?
Right, says mum, go out on my own, then. We say that is fine with us. But then she says she doesn't want to go out on her own because people who go out to eat on their own look like Total Losers With No Friends Whatsoever and dad says she is a Total Loser With No Friends Whatsoever, and then mum says she isn't, or if she is it is not her fault. Mum says she went to such a bad comprehensive that the people who would be her old schoolfriends are now either in prison, Dead Through Drugs, or too busy with their 17 children by 28 different fathers, and then dad says you can't have 17 children by 28 different fathers and she says that is also the trubble with going to a bad comprehensive, you are no good at maffs. She then says she will be our slave for a week if we go to TGI Friday with her, but we know she will break her promise and say Get It Yourself when it comes to it so we refewse. She then says that she will give us £150 each if we go to TGI Friday with her, and I say yes, because £150 is £150, and she can pay it up front, but dad says no, she shouldn't bribe me like that, it is no way to bring up a kid, why doesn't she just hire one, it would be cheaper? And then mum says I Am Fed Up with the Both of You and goes out with a Big Slamming of the Front Door.
I mind quite a lot about the £150, but don't mind too much that mum has gone out with a Big Slamming of the Front Door because Robot Wars is on, and it means dad and I can watch it in peace without her going Look at Those Sad Losers with their Sewing Masheens, I Bet They Have No Friends Whatsoever, and then dad will say who are you to talk? You have no friends whatsoever. And then they have that conversashun again. And so I watch Robot Wars with dad until mum comes back with a big coffeeicapoocheeno masheen that she bought at Argos on the Holloway Road. Mum says Argos on the Holloway Road was a nightmare, full of poor peeple going though catalogs and waiting for things to come down the shute with a bang at collection point B, but it is better than going to John Lewis at Brent Cross because in the elektrical department there it is impossible to get served because all the assistants are busy with not-so-poor people who smell better, but have Which? under their arms and keep asking qwestions, qwestions, qwestions, when they should just be Sodding Getting On With It and Buying the Bloody Things.
And then dad says, how much was that masheen anyway? And mum says 70 quid, but it is Living Innovation and features De'Longhi's unique Instant Froth Dispenser and Permanent Gold Filter, and dad says Bloody Hell, what do you want all that for and what is wrong with Nescaffay? And mum says doesn't he know that coffee is the new tea? That 60 per cent of British people now prefer it? And he says where do you get statistiks like that from and she says she makes them up, but that you have to put statistiks like that in artikels like this, or peeple will think you have done no research whatsoever and then you will definitely Get the Sack, and dad says, hmm, where shall we put this new masheen? Shall we put it straight into the back of a cupboard between the bread-maker you never use and the steamer you never use? And mum says, the trubble with you is that you are just so unsofisticated and you just cannot see that this is the perfect all-in-one filter/espresswcapoocheeno masheen with special pressure valve to ensure safe operation and it is a bargain for 70 quid. And then she goes into the other room to watch the instructional video that comes with the masheen and Welcomes Her to the World of De'Longhi. My mum says I can watch with her if I like, but then dad says I shouldn't as it will only Encourage Her, I tell them they shouldn't make me take sides like this because when I am grown up I will go mad and have to go into therapee. Dad says he is very sorry and then offers me a tenner to not watch the video with mum. Mum says she is very sorry too and offers me £20 to watch it with her. I take the £20. It isn't £150 but it is better than nothing.
It is not a very good video. It is not like The Jungle Book or Toy Story 2. It is just a lady in a striped apron saying, you do this and then you do this and then you clean out the little holes with a cocktail stick which my mum says Seems a Bit Optimistic. And then mum says, clear out the kitchen everybody, I am making the capoocheenos now, and she unplugs the toaster and puts it away because otherwise there would be no room for the masheen in the kitchen and dad says, oh great, it's going to be coffee or toast from now on is it? Mum says it isn't as complicated or fiddly as you might think, and then there is this big hissing noise and then she says the capoocheeno is ready. She has the first cup and says it is delishus, much better than Nescaffay, and she then gives dad a cup who says it's not half bad, although Still a Total Waste of Money. I say I don't like coffee, why couldn't you get an ice-cream maker? And then mum says that is it. I have Had Enough, and why didn't we all go to TGI Friday, was it really too much to ask? And then she goes to bed and pulls the doovay over her head and says she is never getting up again and will miss her deadline and will Get the Sack for sure and then the bailiffs will come and I will have to go into care and be filmed for Children in Need so that I can get some money for food. I do not want this to happen, so I say I will write the artikel for her. And that is what I have dun.
The De'Longhi combinashun coffee-maker is available from Argos: cat no: 420/2323.
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