TONY PARSONS
My kung fu teacher knocks on my door at 8 a.m. sharp. For the next two hours he kicks me all over my basement. Then he charges me fb0. I think that's quite reasonable. David Courtney Jones has taught me Fujian White Crane Kung Fu for more than three years. Our style incorporates the movements of the crane and the tiger. The former evades until it can destroy its opponent, the latter gets in close and does maximum damage. Two hours of kung fu is a glorious way to start the day. David is the real thing — twice AMA (Amateur Martial Association) British Heavyweight Kung Fu champion, and a fully qualified, totally inspiring instructor. The only really painful part of learning kung fu is the sparring. That's at the end of each lesson, when you can collect your cracked ribs and split lips. Apart from that, learning kung fu often resembles a dance class, although, of course, the foxtrot and funky chicken rarely end with a side-thrust kick to your partner's head.
Filming begins on the BBC television production of my novel, Man and Boy. I was hoping for a small part as a taxi-driver, and have been secretly rehearsing. 'Is he bothering you, miss?' Where to, darling?' I can do that. Gissa role. But the producer tells me that they can't get the insurance for me to drive the stars around — Joan Gruffudd as Harry, Natasha Little as Gina and the American actress, Elizabeth Mitchell from ER, as Cyd. Instead I am to play Diner at the Ivy. 'What's my motivation in that scene?' I ask the producer. 'Well,' she says, 'you might get off with Sophie Dahl.'
More kung fu. Not a very sweaty lesson today. Sometimes the martial arts seem more philosophical than physical. We spend ages as David tries to get me to understand what he means by 'settling your energy'. As I understand it, settling your energy means fully completing each application — block, punch, kick — before moving on to the next. Living in the moment and only the moment. Then he shows me a twin punch to the bladder that will make the man you are attacking wet his pants. That's going to come in handy. Although he is only just reaching 30, David often reminds me of my late father, an old Royal Navy commando with a DSM and scar tissue that covered one side of his torso. Strong enough to be gentle, but to be a man of peace you need to be able to kick someone across the room.
The read-through of Man and Boy. The entire cast gathers in a church hall in
Kensington to read the script out loud. It's a bit like a school play with a budget of £2 million. Simon Curtis is directing, and he is one reason why this is going to be so good. Another is Kevin Hood's brilliant script. Simon directed the BBC production of David Coppetfield that discovered Daniel Radcliffe, currently wowing the world as Harry Potter. So it's no surprise to see that our director is brilliant with the two children in the cast, Dominic Howell as Pat and Cecilia Peker as Peggy. At the end of a dazzling read-through, we all applaud the two little ones. Dominic smiles modestly. He didn't fluff one line in the read-through. How can he possibly be only six years old? A casting change from the book is Harry's one-night stand. In the book she is a pale Irish lass called Siobhan. Now she is called Jasmin and is played by a young actress called Shelley
Conn, who might possibly be the most beautiful woman you will see all next year. The friend I bring to the read-through is impressed by Harry's three women. 'If you were married to Natasha Little, right, and it was a bit wonky, right, you would definitely want to have sex with Shelley Conn, and then you would definitely want to marry Elizabeth Mitchell.' He should be so lucky.
Igot sick on a promotional tour of America earlier this year — a rash that made me look like Ben Hur's sister in the leper colony — and now I go to Harley Street for regular check-ups. I probably see my doctor more times in a month than my father did in a lifetime. `I-Imnim,' says my young female doctor. 'Did your father have high blood pressure?' I don't know, He probably didn't know. And even if he did, he wouldn't have told me or my mum. My old man was from the old school. He didn't even tell us when he had lung cancer.
Idon't know how these actors keep their relationships together for longer than the length of a shoot. Maybe they don't. Filming is such an intense, emotional experience, and the cast are so beautiful: you look at loan Gruffudd or Shelley Conn or Natasha Little and realise that their faces have nothing wrong with them. They must fall in love every time they go to work. Pauline Collins is playing Harry's mum, which in some peculiar way means that she is playing my mother. Pauline asks me about my mum's accent, and I tell her not to worry — she has my mum's warmth, humour and humanity. 'Is she coming to the set?' Pauline says. 'She's dead, Pauline.' 'What about your dad?' He's dead too.' `Oh,' Shirley Valentine says, embracing me. 'You're an orphan!' We both get quite emotional. I wish the Man and Boy shoot would never end.
Ai train alone in my basement, I wonder if I will ever be really good at kung fu. After more than three years. I know that my martial arts have reached a plateau, If I am going to improve now, I need to be more dedicated. I don't know if I can do it. It's easier to spend time with the beautiful people. But the training is still one of the greatest experiences of my life. It's a privilege to learn kung fu from David Courtney Jones, and that's what drives me on when I could be down the pub or watching Sky. It's nice to know that I could kill a man with my bare hands. As long as he stood really still. And promised not to move.
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