Dear Mary. . .
Q. Dining in Shepherd's last month, my dinner was ruined by a woman at the next table who spoke to her companion in a loud, braying voice. Though the tables were a decent distance apart, my partner and I could hear every word she said. Indeed at times she drowned out our own conversation. I wanted to ask her to speak more quietly, but could not think of a way to do it that would not cause offence — or a scene. Please advise.
A.N. BBC, London W1 A. Your companion should have gone to the be and agreed to stay there for a good five minutes. This would have given you the opportunity to address your neighbours in conspiratorial tones. 'Sorry to interrupt. I must just tell you something about the person I'm with before she comes back. . . ' Pausing and pulling a melodramatic face, you could have then hissed, 'Gossip columnist. Worst sort. Desperate for copy and always misreports things.
try to keep her occupied so that she can't pick up too much of what you're saying, but we can hear every word.'
Q. A short time ago, you advised a reader to ensure that each guest was given a new cake of soap. I have a slight problem. At Christmas we are having a couple and six
singles to stay for three days. We have a bathroom and a separate shower room that they will have to share. How do you suggest I solve the soap situation? Should I put eight different-coloured soaps in each, Mary?
Newport, Shropshire A. Different-coloured soaps would be impractical. Guests — especially Americans, who are very fussy about these things — would be nervous that other people might use the wrong cake. They might also be dismayed to see the DNA-rich cakes left jostling in unsavoury proximity to each other. Even though Penhaligon and Floris now produce liquid soap in perfectly acceptable fragrances such as English Fern and Lily of the Valley, the soap-dispenser still smacks of motorway-service areas. Far better to leave out boxes of hotel-sized, individually wrapped soaps. In this way, you will have your 'cake' and eat it, since most people will be too lazy to use a new one each time but the few neurotics will be kept happy.
Q. For more than half a century I have been in the habit of standing to offer my seat to a lady when on public transport. Now I find ladies — mostly young ones — standing to offer me a seat. I find it embarrassing to accept, but I feel that I am being churlish if I decline. As I am in good health and my job is sedentary, I don't need to sit. Can you advise me, please?
W.F., London NW2
A. You could reply, 'Thank you so much. I would love to sit down. but I'm under doctor's orders to stand up as much as possible.' Chortle and bang one of your sides at the same time so as to suggest hip-replacement surgery. In this way, you will avoid embarrassment at the same time as rewarding the young ladies for their consideration.
Mary Killen
If you have a problem, please write to Dear Mary, c/o 56 Doughty Street, London WC1N 2LL.
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