High life
Royal handicaps
Taki
New York It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a royal title, must be in want of a wife with spec- tacular umlauts. At least this is what tabloid hacks seem to believe. Andrew and Fergie are about to start again, according to the yellow ones, but, as always, nothing could be further from the truth.
Prince Andrew is good looking, he did his bit in the war, and all that, but he does not exactly have the knack when it comes to the fairer sex. Andrew is a boys' boy, whose idea of a grand time is to tell dirty jokes in the mess and then watch videos all night.
The Duchess, Fergie, on the other hand, is ambitious. She also needs a physical rela- tionship every day, or rather night, and Andrew got off on the wrong foot from the start. He was never around, and when he was, it was not for long, if you get what I mean. 'Financial adviser', John Bryan, has made it his life's work to please the Duchess, and my spies tell me she and Bryan are looking at some million pound houses for the not too distant future.
For his part, Prince Andrew wants the thing to go away. In other words, he wishes all this had never happened, that his wife would be home taking care of the kiddies, and he'd come home to them, and, well, you know the rest. Alas, reality is different. His Duchess got bored watching a man watching videos all night, or playing golf. Incidentally, Andrew's handicap is down to ten, a magnificent achievement when one thinks he only took the game up four years ago. It also shows the poor man's desperation and loneliness.
Although the royals do not regularly con- sult me, my advice to the Duke is to go for Cazzy Neville, a very nice girl who not only goes weak at the knees when within a mile of a royal, but also is in possession of the best figure in the land. Cazzy is not only better born than Fergie, she also works for the Queen's pictures, and would make a wonderful wife and looker after of a video watcher. Cazzy would never go all jet-setty on Andy, whereas even if the improbable happened and Sarah Ferguson returned, it would only be a matter of time before the bright lights would once again beckon.
Mind you, Fergie does miss the perks, but as long as she can hang on to her royal title, she still has plenty. Her agenda is to make more money — she already has made millions through Budgie, the greatest classic since War and Peace, and hopes to make more. One thing is sure. She will eventually make her life with someone, but not while the joint bank account is below eight figures.
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