COMPETITION

Acrostic

Jaspistos

IN. COMPETITION NO. 2149 you were invited to write a rhyming poem in which the first letters of the lines form the phrase

THE SILLY SEASON.

`Shut, shut the door, good John!' fatigued I said.

`Tie up the knocker, say I'm sick, I'm dead.' The dog-star rages! nay 'tis past a doubt, All Bedlam, or Parnassus, is let out. . . .

The Silly Season was clearly getting Pope down in 1735, when he was writing to his friend Dr Arbuthnot. For my liking, too many of you used the formula of simply jux- taposing crazy newspaper headlines, some of them very funny, granted, but en masse wearisome. In choosing the winners I have inclined towards those who did more than dream up a loony list. Commendations to G.M. Davis, Geoffrey Riley, Dominica Roberts, David Heaton and Basil Ransome-Davies. The prizewinners, print- ed below, get £25 each, and the bottle of the Maeallan Single Malt Highland Scotch whisky goes to Nick Syrett.

That's summer out there, lingering, Hanging white above the grain; Evening light's abandoning this Stationary train. In villages the stumps are drawn, Luckless batsmen swallow beer, Listless barmaids pour them more, Yet still I'm sitting here.

Silence wanders down the coach, Each face is set in self-restraint; An hour, at least, before we broach Some sort of a complaint.

Overcast all day, some rain; Now I glimpse summer, from a train.

(Nick Syrett) The splendour falls from castle walls, Haloes the Centenarian (early); England, awake! and for her sake Surrender Campbell, Moss and Hurley. In court and cottage on the faithful box Laud now the wrinkly smile, the pastel frocks. Let hooters hoot and guns salute Young Leo and the bridal Sarah; Summer is here, it's time to cheer Embrace the role of standard-bearer. Antique, mature, or cosy in the cradle, Some icon will demand the syrup ladle.

Offer the viscous tribute, gild the lily: No better chance to prove the season silly.

(Mary Holtby) Tenants In Rent Strike Over Pankhurst Plaque.

Healthworker Prue Weds Haemophiliac. Express Delayed By Roman Snails On Track. Soap Star's Striptease In Colonel's Cadillac. Infants' Headmistress Jailed For 'Tiny Smack'. Log-On With Lulu: Win A Plastic Mac. Love-Tangle Bride Sues Over 'Sexist' Crack. Yuppy In Fruitgum Outrage Faces Sack. Speech Therapist Trains Royal Ducks To Quack.

Ely Recluse Wins Nemo's Almanac. Asylum-Seeker 'Eve' To Be Sent Back. Six Months For Undie Kleptomaniac. 'Out' Peer Unhurt In Regent's Park Attack.

(No news is never good news, for a hack.) (Gerard Benson) Too hot to work, and yet too cool for sunning, Headlines go mad in silly season weather; Editors search in vain for something stunning, Settle on items lighter than a feather. Idly the world revolves upon its axis, Lazily gourmets yawn their way through eating, Listlessly brokers read their crop of faxes, Yielding to sleep while markets are retreating.

So little moves while canine days are present; Each step or breath we venture seems excessive; Alike our friends and enemies turn unpleasant; Sons, daughters, parents, spouses — all oppressive.

Oh, for the day we hear the autumn blowing Noisy reveilles! That will get us going.

(Paul Griffin) Teacher's 'home brew' explodes in science lab, Hairiest men best lovers, claims researcher, Earl's tryst with lady's maid in hansom cab, Sex drug distilled from Amazon gutta-percha, Inamorata's kiss-and-tell shames judge, Love-crazed parishioner charged with stalking vicar, Lewd phone calls traced to jilted fiancé's grudge, Yard of ale contest marred by watered liquor, Shakespeare wrote Tamburlaine, says Marlowe scholar, Ex-Sumo wrestler svelte on seaweed diet, Aged royal corgi chokes on jewelled collar, See-through bikini blamed for Brighton riot, OAP sued by sleepless bride for snoring, News of the Nation circulation soaring.

(Ray Kelley)