Postscript
Musty halls
Patrick Marnham
rr hree readers writing recently in I response to chance remarks made in this column illustrate the difficulties that face the Spectator in its tireless search for higher sales.
Reader number one, — regular, long- hand, headed paper, Oxfordshire — writes that she has the impression that the Spec- tator 'is in reality a rather stuffy men's club'. She strongly objects to the suggestion that she might be 'little, old or, when I choose, a lady' or that she might read the Sunday Express and requests that she be allowed `to enter the musty, panelled halls of the Spectator (albeit in drag)'.
We receive this request from female readers quite frequently at the Spectator and although it is always considered sym- pathetically it has never yet been granted. We think that if a female reader, whether or not in drag, was to be allowed past the turn- stile in the hall it would cause an unpleasant shock to Porter, the paper's receptionist, who has been with us since he left school at the age of 9 in 1896. He has a strong sense of tradition and is not as adaptable as he used to be. His duties are now confined to gazing thoughtfully at the froth on his cup of cappucino and occasionally blowing it across the cup. But his eyesight is as sharp as ever and he does not miss a trick. He sometimes claims to be Frank Muir's younger brother, but not even the most junior members of the staff still believe this preposterous claim. Porter is far too muscular.
Reader number two — shared copy, female, perfect typing, A4 top sheet, Lon- don — writes enouragingly to say that she thinks there might be more than a 17 per cent female readership somewhere out there in the sticks, and offers her services as a book reviewer. I asked Porter to hand her letter on to the literary editor, but it is possible that he realised that it was written by a member of the opposite sex and mislaid it. He does not have to read letters to discover this. He seems to do it by weighing them carefully in the palm of his artificial hand.
Reader number three — 50 years stand- ing, male, longhand, Basildon Bond, Tun- bridge Wells — notes our concern about circulation figures and suggests that we should 'restore the Spectator to the civilised standards it used to profess by weeding out some of the worse obscenities which now disfigure it'. 1 was puzzled by this stricture until he explained that he considered Mr Jeffrey Bernard was unable to 'resist what is best described as verbal "flashing". On two occasions I passed the review to in- telligent women of my acquaintance and both threw it back at me... and who can blame them?' The rest of his remarks were in classical Greek and so I sought the assistance of Porter.
Porter said that the Greek was quite un- suitable for my ears but pointed out that if this reader wanted to increase his acquain- tance among intelligent women he should try borrowing his copy from existing female readers rather than trying to lend it around. As far as we know there are only 7840 female readers of the paper and one is most unlikely to discover women of sufficient in- telligence on some random method of lendL ing one's copy out. Also if readers start lending their copies to hundreds of women it will increase the readership per copy from its present remarkably low figure. This could lead to a flood of advertising which would exhaust our overtired and emotional staff.
Next week I am taking Porter to the Young Designers' Fashion Show. This could well provide his terminal experience. I expect him to ascend to the great Men's Club in the Sky to the sound of bongo drums and torn calico.
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