Westminster corridors
As I was tumbling about the Town the other Day in an Hackney Coach and delighting myself with busie Scenes inith011ops on either Side of me, it came into my Hid, With no small Remorse, that I have not been.frequent enough in the Mention and Recommendation of the industrious Part of Mankind.
It very naturally, upon this Occasion, touched my Conscience in particular that I had , not acquitted myself to Mr. Michael Heseltine. That industrious Tory man ofTrade, and formerly Brother of the Quill, has been mightily engaged of late in trying tbmuster.the Tories at the Club for a major offensive -against the Ruffians.
When it was announced that the penny post was to cost more (our beloved Prime Minister says that he believes in the precept "pound wise, penny foolish") only the Technicolor Mr Heseltine protested from the Opposition benches. He summoned an urgent meeting of his trade and industrial committee -of backbenchers. When all two of them were assembled, he issued a statement to the press.
"The country," he said with remarkable prescience, "has been brought to its knees by corrupt politicians. As we used to say at the Haymarket Press [a reference to a former incarnation of Mr Heseltine] what is needed is a new broom." He smoothed back his golden locks and smiled at Mr "Ruby Lips" St John-Stevas who just happened to be looking for a new broom at that moment.
Mr Stevas, the shadow minister for sartorial direction and the arts, later confided in me that Mr Heseltine was "the coming man." "But," I protested, "has he not been coming for some time?" "Oh yes," replied Ruby Lips, "but he has great staying power." He should know.
This I take to be confirmation that Mr Heseltine will oppose Mrs 'Harmony Hair Spray' Thatcher for the leadership of the Tory Party in October. Mr Edward Heath, an educationalist and visionary, has already confide 4 to his closest associates (yes, Mr Stevas again) that he will stand.
With Mr Ian Gilmour, Mr Enoch Powell and the Duchess of Falkender also entering the lists, the election could prove mildly entertaining. The chances of the Duchess should not be underestimated. She has a way with Members; as Mr Eric Heffer, the well-known Ruffian bellower and prancer, can vouchsafe.
So concerned has Mr Wilson become about the rumblings within the Tribune Group of Ruffians that he has disguised the Duchess as Little Red Riding Hood and sent her to Tribune meetings to "spy out the land." She has been quite a hit at these Monday night gatherings and has proven almost word perfect in her new role. To Mr Dennis Skinner from Bolsover she said: "What a big mouth you have." To Mr Sydney Bidwell, the Ruffian's chairman, she said: "What a big nose you have." I cannot repeat what she said to Mr Russell Kerr, the outsize Ruffian from Feltham, but everyone agreed that he did.
My Readers will recall that almost two years ago I first indicated that Mr Wilson had his sights set on spending his declining years (how much further from the end can you decline, I wonder?) at an Oxford College. The Duchess tells me that this is absolute nonsense. Mr Wilson means to remain Prime Minister until his death in 1984, It is true, however, that he will conclude his premiership from the City of Dreaming Spires. For I can now reveal that Mrs Mary Wilson is to be Mistress (if she will excuse the expression) of Lady Margaret Hall.
Having failed in her ambition to become Professor of Poetry at Oxford, Mrs Wilson has accepted (purely as second choice, you understand) the appointment at LMH, a College with almost as many girls in it as Christ Church.
Mrs Wilson's view is that as she cannot be Mistress of Number Ten then she might as well be one in arcadia. Besides, she has always been very fond of Brideshead Revisited and means to take Giles's teddy bear to keep on Harold's bed.
Tom Puzzle
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