It's about time the Conservative party heard about the nasty atrocities of long ago

FRANK JOHNSON

MTs Theresa May, the Conservative chairman who told the Tory conference that the Tories were seen at the last election as 'the nasty party', probably did not know that Richma! Crompton, creator of the 'William' stories, preceded her, In one of the William collections, William the Detective (1935), there is to be found the story 'William and the Nasties'. Even by Miss Crompton's standards, it is a small masterpiece. In the present climate in the Conservative party, I feel justified in quoting from it at some length.

It begins in mid-conversation. William is with Henry and Ginger, the other two members of his gang, the Outlaws. He is asking, 'What did you say they were called?'

Henry replies: `Nasties.'

William objects: 'They can't be called nasties. ... No one would call themselves a name like that. That mus' be what people call them that don't like them.'

Henry persists: 'No, it's their real name. They really are called nasties. Nasty means something quite different in Germany.'

William: 'Don't be silly. Nasty couldn't mean anything but nasty anywhere. What do they do?'

Henry: 'They rule the country an' make everyone do jus' what they like an' send them to prison if they don't.'

William: I'd be one of them if I was in that country. But I bet I'd find a better name than nasty.'

Henry explains: `I tell you nasty means somethin' else in Germany.'

William: 'Well, why can't they say somethin' else instead of nasty then? What else do they do?'

Henry further explains: 'They chase out Jews.'

William: 'Why?'

Henry: "Cause Jews are rich, so they chase 'em out and take all the stuff they leave behind. It's a jolly good idea.'

William: 'But we couldn't do that even if we started bein' nasties 'cause there aren't any Jews here.'

Ginger contributes to the conversation for the first time: 'Ole Mr Isaacs is a Jew.'

Miss Crompton takes up the narrative: 'They stared at each other with sudden interest. Mr Isaacs had recently succeeded Mr Monks in proprietorship of the village sweetshop.'

The Outlaws considered Mr Isaacs to be, unlike Mr Monks, mean. 'They affirmed with much indignation that he stopped putting on sweets as soon as the scale quivered and long before it actually descended.'

They would avenge themselves as best they could by shouting, as they passed the shop. 'Cheats never prosper.' The author continues, 'The hook-nosed little man used to rush out at them in fury, chasing them down the road.'

This would now be called 'racial stereotyping'. Liberal opinion today would only tolerate mention of meanness with the scales, and that hook nose, if Miss Crompton made it clear that Mr Isaacs was Israeli, preferably of the Likud persuasion.

Ginger points out that if they were in Germany, they could chase Mr Isaacs from his shop and carry off all his sweets: 'You're allowed to by lor in Germany — chase 'em out an' take everything in their shops. If you're nasties, I mean.'

"Crumbs!" said William. . . there came to him glorious visions of chasing Jew after Jew out of sweetshop after sweetshop and appropriating the precious spoils. "Crumbs! I jolly well wish I was one." ' The Outlaws decide to form themselves into the Nasties. As William reflects: `I bet that once there weren't any in Germany an' then someone thought of it. An' I bet the first one thought of it 'cause there was someone like ole Mr Isaacs in his village who was so mean that he stopped puttin' sweets on as soon as the thing began to wobble an' didn't let it right down.'

William says he will be the chief, and inquires of Henry what he is called in Germany. There follows some linguistic confusion. Henry says the chief in Germany is called Her Hitler. William understandably inquires: 'Is it a woman?' Henry, clearly the European of the gang, explains that 'her' means a man in Germany. It's the same as him.' William: 'It can't be the same as him. . .. Her can't ever be the same as him in any language. Well, I'm jolly well not going to call myself her anything. Nasty's bad enough... . '

The boys form the British Nasty party. Henry says that the German one has a sort of picture on a banner: a curled-up snake called a swastika. 'Swastika means snake in German,' he explains — German not being his subject. In due course, they descend on Mr Isaacs's shop and demand his sweets. He chases them off, boxing William's ears in the process. They return that night, and manage to get into the shop's backroom. There they see a man bending over the safe. Mr Isaacs. There is a key in the door to the room. They lock him in and make for the sweets, only to find another man bound and gagged behind the counter. They release him, only to find that it is Mr Isaacs. The man in the backroom is a burglar, Mr Isaacs calls the police. He tells them that these good boys had been passing and had spotted that something was wrong. In gratitude, he says that they can carry off as many sweets as they like. 'It's better than if we'd gone on being nasties,' says Ginger. Miss Crompton is an opponent of racial stereotyping after all.

Perhaps Mrs May did know the story but had got it the wrong way round.

'What did you say we should be called?' some moderniser, perhaps Mr Francis Maude, asked.

`Niceys,' Theresa replied. 'They'll go around telling Tories that they're nasty. Then everyone will vote Tory.'

Norman: 'Don't be silly. When I was a senior Cabinet minister, reforming industrial relations, and then chairman, lots o' people said I was nasty, and we won two elections with loads and loads o' votes. You don't know nuffink. Theresa.'

Francis: 'That was when lots o' voters woz nasties. Most of 'em are niceys now.'

Norman: 'Not in Romford, they ain't. We 'ad a 6 per cent swing there. Our candidate campaigned with this 'orrible aggressive dog.'

Francis: 'Let's leave you out of it, Norm.' lain: 'I think it's worth a try.'

Theresa: Vot? Campaigning wiv an' 'orrible dog?'

lain: 'No, being nice, silly!'

Norman: `An' gay, I spose.'

Francis: 'If necessary, yes.'

Theresa: 'Er, where does that leave me?'

Francis: 'You're all right 'cos you're a girl. We gotta have lots of girls on the candidates' list.'

Norman: 'Like Edwina, I spose.'

The gang have now formed the Nice party. Norman is expelled. We shall see how many sweets it gets them.