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COMPETITION

Acrostic

Jaspistos

IN COMPETITION NO. 1874 you were invited to write an acrostic poem, the first letters of each line spelling out WASTE PAPER BASKET, the poem as a whole having relevance to the theme.

The WPB, or wagger-pagger-bagger as I have heard it called, proved an unexpect- edly good poetic fertiliser. 'Even a bin has feelings,' cried Noel Petty, 'The basket is an avid beast,' wailed Basil Ransome- Davies, 'Knowing tomorrow we'll be dead,/ Everything works towards one end —/To be waste-paper-basketed,' gloomed Robert Roberts. Emotion ran deep. The winners, printed below, get £20 each, and the bonus bottle of Isle of Jura Single Malt Scotch whisky goes to John E. Cunningham for the most feeling entry.

Well, let's get on ... these photographs, perhaps?

A quick look-through — no, all of them can go: Seriously, who needs more faded snaps?

The clothes — not even Oxfam wants to know.

Endless detritus of his waning years Piled up in cupboards: medicines by the score, All half-used-up; quack nostrums; bottled fears; Patented tonics that deceive no more.

Evening approaching, did he draw the blind, Read through the small hours where the demons

lurked?

Books, then ...a dealer? What's this tucked behind?

Aids (Marital) ... poor chap, I hope they

worked.

Secrets, old letters, diaries, each by each, Known yet unknowable, it's what we face, Entering on true oblivion when we reach This final stage of all: the basket case.

(John E. Cunningham)

Why am I always stalled for inspiration: Agonised, halting, doomed to hesitation,

Staring in futile, footling meditation, Tortured and tongue-tied?

Endless excuses throng to my attention Pointless escapes too frivolous to mention All to avoid those mothers of invention, Paper and pencil.

Eager for conquest, Satan whispers to me, 'Rest, little author! Don't sit there so gloomy! Bad-tempered scribes get eyes all red and

rheumy - And halitosis.

'Scorn you my warning? See these scribbled pages!

Know that such hack-work reeks throughout the ages.

Easier ways I'll find to earn your wages.

Tear it in pieces!' (Martin Woodhead)

Weeds from the lawn, A toy truck-wheel, Socks, badly worn, Tangerine peel,

Envelope, torn.

Paperback, read, A tea-bag, old, Photo (no head),

Egg Foo Young, cold, Rail ticket, dead.

Blobs of Blu-Tack, A heap of ash,

Snoopy toast-rack, Kate's note ('need cash'), Empty fag-pack.

Trash. (Paul Brummell)

Whistle-blower's scribbled tip-off, Ads for junk and scam and rip-off, Snaps of Christmas party strip-off, Teapot lid with half the lip off,

E-mail update (Sunday's trip off).

Plastic folder (buckled zip off), Aural hairs I had to snip off, Paperweight I knocked a chip off, Eastern sales from Comrade Dipov, Reprimand to staff who skip off.

Brochures far too late to ship off, April's model (bra and slip off), Smutty card I learnt a quip off, Kleenex used to dab a drip off, Eight of spades they missed a pip off, Toenails (ripe for lunchtime clip-off).

(Tim Hopkins) Wonderful thing a computer, Accurate, business-like, neat, Silent and sapient tutor, Turns out your work like a treat.

Everything's there to give polish, Pick out a suitable font, Ask it and it will abolish Pages of stuff you don't want.

Errors are swiftly amended, Run a spell-check and you'll see, But God! How it uses up paper As though every print-load came free.

So if lap-tops become an attraction Keep plenty of paper in store, Each time you've a page of perfection The waste-paper basket takes four.

(Frank McDonald)

No. 1877: Periphrastic

Periphrasis: 'a roundabout way of referring to something by means of several words instead of directly in a single word or phrase'. You are invited to give an amus- ingly periphrastic account of some simple, straightforward action (such as • getting dressed or boiling an egg). Maximum 150 words. Entries to 'Competition No. 1877' by 13 April.