MR. DOOLEY'S OPINIONS.*
IN a notice of one of "Mr. Dooley's" earlier volumes we rashly committed ourselves to the view that his creator would not be able to "keep it up" indefinitely : that he would be ultimately obliged to invent a new literary formula and abandon the Hiberno-Chicagesque dialect. After reading his Opinions, we frankly withdraw the suggestion, for the time being at any rate, and admit that the sage of the Archey Road shows no signs of senility, that his satire is as mordant, his imagination as riotously exuberant as ever. Now and again he is unequal. The monologue on lying, for instance, deals in a somewhat conventionally cynical style with a subject which has always proved somewhat of a pitfall to humourists. And the recital of the discomforts of pseudo- country life bears too close a family resemblance to the methods in which this perennial subject of satire is handled in the American comic papers to add to Mr. Dooley's prestige. But • Kr. Dooley's Opinions. London; W. Heinemann. Ds. ed.]
the most fastidious critic will find very little to skip in these pages, while at his best Mr. Dooley is quite at the very top of his form. The paper on "Christian Science" with which the collection opens is not only amazingly witty, but wonderfully shrewd. The theory—for that is what it amounts to—that "Christian Science" is in a measure a reaction against the extravagant passion for the use of the knife amongst advanced surgeons, and the eva3ion of responsibility by specialists, is not only forcibly put but most ingeniously worked out. Mr. Dooley contrasts the happy-go-lucky methods of the general practitioner of his youth with the highly trained, expert of to-day Th' doctor who attinded me whin I was young'd be thought as loonatical if he was alive to-day as th' mos' Christyan Scientist that iver rayjooced a swellin' over a long-distance tillyphone. Ivrybody thought he was a gr-reat man, but they wudden't have him threat a spavin in these days. He was catch- as-catch-can, an' he'd tackle annythin' fr'm pnoomony iv th'
lungs to premachure baldness But nowadays, Hinnissy, ivry time I go into Dock Cassidy's office, he gives me a look that makes me wisht I'd wore a suit iv chain armor. His eyes seem to say, Can I come in ?' Between th' Christyan Scientists an' him, 'tis a quPstion iv whether ye want to be throated like a loonytic or like a can iv preserved vi,gitables. Father Kelly says th' styles iv medicine changes like th' styles iv hats. Whin he was a boy, they give ye quinine f'r whativer ailed ye, an' now they give ye sthrychnine, an' nes' year they'll be givin' ye proesic acid, maybe. He says they're flndin' new things th' roatther with ye ivry day, an' a things that have to be taken out, ontil the time is combf whin not more thin half iv us'll be rule, an' th' rani be rubber. He says they ought to enforce th' law iv assault with a deadly weepin again th' doctors. He says that if they knew less about pizen an' more about gruel, an' opened fewer patients an' more windows, they'd not be so manny Christyan Scientists. He says th' diff'rence between Christyan Scientists an' doctors is that Christyan Scientists think they'se no such thing as disease, an' doctors think there ain't annythin' else. An' there ye ar-re.'—' What d'ye think about it ? ' asked Mr. Hennessy.—' I think,' said Mr. Dooley, 'that if th' Christyan Scientists had some science an' th' doctors more Christyanity, it wudden't make anny diff'rence which ye called in—if ye had a good nurse."
In the dissertation on athletics it is curious to find Mr. Dooley, who is rather a severe critic of Mr. Kipling's " wurrukin' pomes," adopting a standpoint practically un- distinguishable from that of "The Islanders" Why is England loin' her supreemacy, Hinnissy Because Englishmen get down to their jobs at liven o'clock figurin' a goluf ecoor on their cuffs an' lave at a quarther to twelve on a bicycle Ye can't keep ye'er eye on th' ball an' on th' money at th' same time. Ye've got to be wan thing or another iu this worruld. I niver knew a good card player or a great
spoortaman that cud do much iv annything else Did ye iver hear iv Grant wearin' anny medals f'r a hundherd yard dash ? Did annywan iver tell ye iv th' number iv base hits made be Abraham Lincoln? Is there anny record iv George Wash'nton doin' a turn on a thrapeze or Thomas Jifferson gettin' th' money f'r throwin' th' hammer ? In me younger days 'twas not con- sidhered rayspictable Pr to be an athlete. An athlete was always a man that was not ethrong enough f'r wurruk. Fractions dhruv him fr'm school an' th' vagrancy laws dhruv him to baseball:" Still less is Mr. Dooley reconciled to the invasion of the athletic arena by the modern Amazon : "I don't know anny- thing that cud be more demoralizin' thin to be marrid to a woman that cud give me a sthroke a shtick at goluf." He only scents domestic disruption in the spectacle of the "large lady, a little peevish because she's off her dhrive." He admires the wisdom of our fathers, who "didn't risk their lives an' limbs be marryin' these female Sharkeys." For himself, he is afraid he could never love a woman he might lose a
fight to.
Turning to Mr. Dooley's views on education, we note that he is boldly sceptical as to the practical value of Mr. Carnegie's gift. "Ye can lade a man up to th' University, but ye can't make him think," so he wittily perverts an old saw. According to Father Kffly—Mr. Dooley's alter ego whenever he is inclined to be serious—" idjaaation is some- thing that a man has to fight f'r an' pull out iv its hole be
th' hair iv its head. That's th' reason it's so precious Andhrew Carnaygie's tin millyoma won't make anny Robert Burns,' he says. It may make more Andhrew Carnaygies,' says L They'se enough to go round now,' says he." The would-be omniscience and limitations of the modern editor are ridiculed in a ludicrous illustration:— "I hate to think whin a gr-reat Miter has settled th' currency question an' th' sthrikes, an' partitioned off China, an' handed insthructions to th' crowned heads iv Europe, an' rivolutionized th' packin' business, an' tor th' ladies what kind iv a hat to wear with a lavender skirt, he has to go home to his wife an' confIss that he frgot th' baby's oarredge."
The last chapter of all deals with the colour question, as exemplified in the Booker Washington incident, very much on the lines maintained in these columns :--
" "Tie not me that speaks, Hinnissy, 'tie the job. Dooley th' plain citizen says: "Come in, Rastas." Dooley's job says : "If ye come, th' r-rest will stay away." An' I'd like to do something fr th' naygnr, too.'—' What wud ye do ?' asked Mr. Hennessy.— ' Well,' said Mr. Dooley, 'I'd take away his right to vote, an' his ight to ate at th' same table, an' his right to ride on th' cars, an' even his sacred right to wurruk. I'd take thim all away an' give him th' on'y right he needs nowadays in th' South.'—' What's that ?'—' Th' right to live,' said Mr. Dooley. • If he cud start with that he might make something iv hintsilf.' "
We note with satisfaction that Mr. Dooley is disposed to regard the President with less prejudice than during the war with Spain, though be still adheres to the stupid perversion of his name—Rosenfeld for Roosevelt—which, if it means anything, conveys an imputation of Semitic origin. As for his merciless chaff of our conduct of the war in South Africa, it is only fair to remember that he was even more merciless in his ridicule of the American generals in Cuba and Puerto Rico.
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