No. 1213: The winners

Jaspistos reports: Competitors were asked for a fable, in prose or verse, in which the protagonist follows the advice of a proverb and comes to a sticky end.

Goody-goody Laertes went off to England with Polonius' maxims ringing in his ears — and just look how he ended up. Considering that there are whole dic- tionaries of proverbs, I was a bit disap- pointed by the fact that you stuck to the homespun favourites. Only Ron Jowker managed to enlarge my store of folk wisdom — with a mysterious but apparently authentic piece of Chinese advice: 'Don't pull up your shoe in a melon-field, or adjust your hat under a plum-tree.' OK, I won't. There were several sufferers from vertigo who made the mistake of looking before they leapt, and one or two shop-lifters were led away still muttering 'Take things as you find them' or 'God helps those who help themselves.' The winners printed below get £9 each and the bonus bottle of the Famous Grouse Scotch Whisky goes to Peter Hadley. Since all work, and no play might make Jaspistos a dull boy I shall go on a fortnight's holiday next week and try to make a proverb work.

Something Horace said offended Wilhelmina, his intended, Who (of Women's Extra size) Told him to apologise.

`Some dago geezer called Eta says he'll pay my fare to Spain.'

Horace's response was splendid. Did he go (you ask) on bended Knee, accepting loss of face, To reverse his fall from grace?

No! From Mum he'd apprehended 'Least said, dear, is soonest mended': No propitiating word Was by Wilhelmina heard.

So her strong right arm descended.

Horace's existence ended, Though a soft answer, some would say, Might have turned her wrath away.

(Peter Hadley) 'See a pin and pick it up,' they say, 'And through the day you're visited by luck.' The bent nail sends the tenor on his way, Steering him safe through Verdi, Wagner, Gluck.

A pin, or nail, or some approximation, Is sure to help the one by whom it's found; And more, the system is not bound by nation: A pin is a pin is a pin the whole world round.

With this in mind Our Hero smiled a smile. A pin! For a whole day his luck was made! He soon lay spread across a good square mile, For he had failed to spot the hand grenade.

(John McPherson) There was a young man who visited Italy. He had heard that when in Rome he must do as they do in Rome. He gesticulated, he ate pizzas and spaghetti. When visiting churches he waited for a tourist to pay to light up the frescoes. His excite- ment grew as he did more and more as the Romans do, until his experiment in bottom- pinching was mistaken for bag-snatching. He dashed unheeding into the Roman traffic and was killed. 'It serves you right,' said God a little later. 'All true Romans know that it is prudent to cross their streets in the wake of a priest, for drivers do not care to massacre men of the Church.'

(Peggy Sandars) 'Everything comes to him who waits', Young Ralph was made to understand. He could rely on kindly Fate's Bestowal of a winning hand.

At twenty-one it seemed too soon: To rise and act was premature.

If not the morning, afternoon Would bring the postman's knock for sure.

At forty-five the Jungle Beast Was silent, hidden in its lair.

Was Ralph perturbed? Not in the least.

His Karma lay ahead, somewhere.

They buried Ralph at eighty-three.

Obituaries, though brief, were fond; For no one doubts that Destiny

Awaits him in the Great Beyond.

(Basil Ransome-Davies)

Make Hay While the Sun Shines

A stoic of the school of Sparta, Poor Basil was a modern martyr: He'd wed, the sap, a frightful Tartar, Who never needed cues to start a Marathon of niggling nagging

To keep her luckless spouse from flagging. As Basil munched his breakfast haddock, 'When will you start upon the paddock? You've put it off from week to week!'

She grumbled to her helpmeet meek.

Too terrified to longer writhe Beneath her tongue, he seized his scythe And set to work — alas for Basil!

For blinded by the sunshine's dazzle (I can't the grisly climax put off) He wildly swiped and cut his foot off.

(Andrew McEvoy)