Plus ca Change

Competitors were asked to provide a set of instructions, in the vein of Swift's Directions to Servants in General, to one of the following: a garage mechanic, a daily help, a shopkeeper, C barber, a house painter, a bus conductor, a dentist, or a jobbing gardener.

Here was irritation! A few foaming Pinpetitors beat their victims to a pulp. Most, however, recognised that irony was required. Of the many anxious to provide Baidance for the daily help, Basil Lee advised her to 'leave some part of window-

and the like undusted, that your Mis- s might appreciate what the state of the pLoom would have been had you not been her Employ.' And remember, added bwob, that `if a cup or a plate come apart your hands the fault lies with the potter.' Have a good technical vocabulary at your

Command,' hissed Major A. W. Dicker at the garage mechanic, 'If an engine has Stopped through lack of petrol your diag- nosis should be "a fault in the fuel supply System." The charge for attending to this Lost obviously be greater than for merely tilling the tank.' R. Kennard Davis was

4erciless to the jobbing gardener. 'Roll not . lawn if the ground be soft, for that will re it,' he counselled maliciously, 'nor if h be too hard, for that will be waste of toil.' The one friendly instruction came from James C. Morgan, who gave the bus con- guctor a topical warning: `If a passenger 00ards the bus at traffic lights, smile Pleasantly . . . and show him to a seat. ale might be a magistrate.' poets.A competition setter, I feel, would have fie-directed by Swift to say that he has siiated over the final verdict, in order to c,onceal the prejudiced promptitude of his decision. 'After some hesitation,' then, 1 award £3 to R. J. P. Hewison, and LI each to Allan M. Laing and P. M. Highly com-

ended are R. Kennard Davis, Major • W. Dicker and Terence Melican. PRIZES (R. J. P. HEWISON) Directions to Conductoils in Omnibus Without derogating from your position as

iticeroy of the Executive, put fares at their case addressing them with democratic familiarity. e resentment of the ill-conditioned few will Ut enhance the hilarity of the rest. In pursuance of your humane duty not to add Lea0 the discomfort of standing passengers, sooner ve an old lady in the snow than take six ide. Though 'tis a gross imposition to be asked to Change a pound note, you may shcw how Obliging you arc by giving the change in

Copper and silver, counting out each piece in en audible voice.

If some impudent fellow board you between Stops, you may (in virtue of the Rules, which are above the Law) put him off, but study so to do it as to teach a lesson in manners.

Be as patient as you can with inquirers, Ilecting that those that ask the way are ools and those that do not understand are oreigners.

., "(ten good time and ring your bell smartly. ohould any stumble, or be left behind, 'tis their fault for impeding the public service.

Not that you arc any man's servant, neither, Save the Union's—and then only till you be Minded to strike in its despite.

(r. M.) Instructions to Daily Helps Never use a cigarette-holder when baking, or if you do, work with the kitchen drawer half- open between you and the mixing-bowl, when your ash will fall tidily inside.

Do not empty the vacuum-cleaner until told. Your employer will see from the distended bag that you use it regularly, and be gratified at the amount of dirt that has been sucked up.

It is waste of time and material ' to clean spoons and forks with plate powder and spirit: hard breathing and rubbing on your overall is quite as efficient. Before leaving, spread sheets of newspaper all over the kitchen floor: this will allow you to glance at pictures or articles you have missed, and gives the impression that you have scrubbed thoroughly underneath.

(ALLAN M. Laulsto)

Directions to a Barber in Particular If your customer proposes to sit down in one of the empty chairs, do not fail to suggest another to show your consideration for his comfort. When tucking the sheet inside his collar, do not neglect to give a friendly twitch to any pimples or boils you may encounter on his neck. Should he assent to your sug- gested 'Back and sides?' show your zeal by giving him an all-over crop, reminding him, if he remonstrates, that it will not cost him any more. Be sure your breath is adequately scented with peppermint, cloves or beer, and let him have a generous whiff of it every now and then. Ascertain his reaction to conversa- tion, and then, whatever it is, good-hum- ouredly talk him out of it. In twitching the sheet from his recumbent form, allow some hairs to fall on his clothes, so that you may conscientiously earn your tip by brushing them off again. When you give him his change, take the trouble to indicate by the coins you offer him the correct amount of your personal perquisite.