Ode to a leaf
Aidan Hartley
Laikipia
According to an imminent Home Office decree, I am on drugs, I cultivate drugs and I intend to push drugs. I thought Blair’s government was moving to decriminalise narcotics such as marijuana. Instead it wants to burden the police and customs further by banning the vegetable stimulant Catha edulis. Otherwise known as miraa, qat, or khat, this plant is grown in the Horn of Africa and Yemen, and millions chew it. Countless thousands of perfectly respectable immigrants in Britain consume miraa daily.
I have always chewed the leaf. It’s my new little cash-crop project on our farm. The privet-like shrubs will grow into trees and they clearly thrive in our highland tropical conditions with plenty of sun and watering. I love my miraa plants. I often stroke them and talk to them, as would Prince Charles. I sit in my chair and gaze rapt at their emerald leaves and reddish branches. My Samburu neighbours, who also like a good chew, have apparently nicknamed me ‘nyamiraa’ or ‘miraa scoffer’.
Miraa does this to people. Arabic and Abyssinian poetry, volumes of it, honours the leaf. On his journey to the holy Muslim city of Harar, Sir Richard Burton theorised that miraa was the lotus plant which caused Ulysses’ crew to lose all desire to return home after the wars in Troy. Ethiopian monks dubbed it the ‘food of the pious’ because it banished sleep, hunger and — when chewed enough — sexual appetite.
The Home Office apparently fears miraa makes Somali immigrants idle, robs households of dole money, and causes heart attacks, schizophrenia and tongue cancer. Like anything, of course, it depends on how much you imbibe. The leaf is surely not the reason why only 12 per cent of Somali immigrants are in employment.
If consumed in moderation, miraa is a miraculous plant that should probably be made available through the NHS. Good miraa is a strong aphrodisiac. Last year scientists discovered it improves male fertility by giving sperm extra va-va-voom. That got me thinking. I could export my miraa crop to Britain for sale through health-food stores — or sex shops — to childless couples and impotent men.
Once you get over miraa’s bitter taste, similar to unripe bananas and offset by peppermints, sweet tea or a wad of bubble gum, you quickly appreciate the quality ‘high’. The leaf keeps me alert on long drives and it helps me concentrate when I’m writing, especially late at night. Miraachewing is a sociable pastime, best enjoyed in company. Better Yemeni houses even have a room called the ‘mafraj’ with beautiful casement windows designed for chewing sessions. With the first rush you become loquacious; then follows the ‘hour of Solomon’ when you lie back and contemplate the world as the sun goes down.
I often go chewing on my visits to London. One can find miraa in Ethiopian restaurants or Somali web cafés and I once obtained the contact for a reputable dealer through a senior Yemeni diplomat. A bundle sells for a fiver and it’s all you need. Muslims can chew it because it is not haram — a forbidden intoxicant — and this must surely count in its favour. Have bureaucrats at the Home Office even bothered to taste miraa themselves to see how mild the effects are?
This evil Labour government, which promotes public drunkenness, gambling, divorce and homosexual marriage, also claims it seriously wants to help Africa. Miraa is one of Africa’s success stories. The efficacy of miraa in its vegetable form is lost within 48 hours of picking. It has to be plucked east of Mount Kenya, packed, transported to Nairobi and then flown across the globe and sold to consumers all within that tight period — and the Africans manage this day after day. The miraa industry has been described as one of the most efficient agricultural businesses in the world. Banning miraa in Britain would destroy an export trade worth £125 million to Kenyan smallholder farmers. You ban our miraa and dump cigarettes and single malt whisky on us. It’s unforgivable. If this goes ahead, I recommend severing all diplomatic links with our filthy former colonial masters.
Enforcing the ban will cost the UK a fortune — and it will fail. Africans and Arabs are not going to stop chewing miraa because the nanny state says so. The trade will be driven underground and fall into the hands of gangsters. The US, Canada, Norway and Ireland have all made miraa illegal. In the US, a bundle costs around £40, eight times the price in London, and the illegal trade is worth many millions. In its natural state, miraa is almost harmless, but in concentrated form it is rocket fuel. Believe me, I put some through a blender and the juice gave me heart palpitations. Making it illegal might persuade smugglers to refine miraa by juicing it. Miraa smoothies hey, there’s an idea. In Sheffield’s nightclubs they are already selling it in cans. I once knew a Kenyan (who later had a liver transplant) who managed to produce green crystals from the juice, and he said when these were put on a rat’s nose the animal swiftly expired.
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