COMPETITION.,

No 631: Lofty words

Set by Joyce Johnson: Competitors are invited to report the conversa- tion they imagine would take place between Winston Churchill and Charles de Gaulle as the latter is greeted by the former on his en- trance to the next world. Limit, 150 words. Entries, marked 'Competi- tion No. 631,' by 4 December.

No. 628: The winners

Charles Seaton reports: A speaker on the French radio recently de- clared that he would like to see the establishment by government decree of a Jour National du Rire and named some of the features he would like it to contain. Competi- tors were asked to outline their own programmes for a similar National Day of Laughter in this country and to speculate on its aftermath.

To take last things first, the pre- dicted aftermaths ranged from a country so helpless with laughter as to prevent all work for a fortnight, through mild euphoria to acute embarrassment (but for Scotsmen, which is understandable), deep gloom, an increased suicide rate (combined with an exceptional demand for the works of Thomas Hardy, W. G. Payne tells us), and a lemming-like flight towards phy- sical destruction (suggested, coin- cidentally, by more than one com- petitor). We can hardly expect to be Gallic in our fun, but this is almost pure nineteenth century Slav!

The tempo of the programmes, too. did not reach a very high level of risibels (my thanks to Leonard B. Scoones for the term). Most of them showed a fascinated pre- occupation with politics. George van Schaick. for instance, had the Prime Minister and Leader of the Opposition giving public readings in Parliament Square from their election manifestos, and several competitors had them paired as knockabout slapstick artists. This comes from Martin Folkard: National Day of Laughter began with the Primate of All England reading the weather forecast, and this was followed by a Charity March up the fast lane of the Ml, led by Messrs Des Wilson, An- thony Greenwood, and Aubrey Jones and other members of the unemployed dressed up as Joan Littlewood.

The main variation from the political was the practical joke— again very non-Gallic. Entries were liberally spattered with custard pies, banana skins, itching powder, funny hats, false noses, water pistols and distorting mirrors—all very hilarious, no doubt, but not part of the sophisticated Risive Society (thank you, Douglas Haw- son) I was hoping to hear" about. Among the best touches was this 'sicky' from E. 0. Parrott's entry:

. . Consternation mingled with laughs in London streets, where banana-skin victims with broken bones. abrasions etc found that all 'Out-Patient Dept' signs led them into a oix mortuary. 'Hospitals have a sense of humour too,' said a medical spokesman . . .

Ironic laughter was allowed to qualify as well as the more full- throated varieties. Accordingly, three guineas each for the Laughter Day programmes below and coin-

mendation to Simon Marquis and J. M. Crooks.

The nation is woken at dawn with a million amplifiers blasting out George-Brown's pre-1964-election pledge to get mortgage interest rates down to 3 per cent. This is delicately counterpointed with the Heathian promise of 16 June 1970 to break into the wage-price spiral, which is in turn gently blended with Lord Beaumont predicting sweeping gains for the Liberal party. By now there is a percep- tible susurration of mirth through. out the land; this gathers head as assorted chairmen of nationalised industries explain how it is that their concerns have to increase their charges both when they are losing money and when they are making it. With a reading of selected Post Office publicity Material, the laughter reaches gale force—then suddenly changes key as, giggling helplessly, ten million citizens rush to their desks and start altering their wills in favour of the Chancellor of the Exchequer

Martin Fagg Press: All Leaders by LEVIN. LONDON PROGRAMME 06.00 FLY-PAST—CONCORDE, AIRBUSES, MONTY PYTHON.

Nitrous-oxide released; Audience laughter relayed.

H.M. QUEEN (wearing Other Face) proclaims: 'We are amused.' Tube-trains stationary for one hour. Non-stop relieio-pop music relayed to commuters. PAPERCHASE FINAL — CABINET UNITED V. P.1.B. REDUNDANT or C.C. RELEGATED.

SCRAMBLE for SIXPENCES tossed from No. 11.

13.00 MEDIA ANNOUNCE ALL STRIKES SETTLED.

TEN-PINS (using ipt, milk-bot- tles) PRIM : Free admission to British Museum.

BONFIRE of Election Promises. Memos. Memoirs, Poems, Pre- scriptions and Bernadette Devlin. RADIO: DIMBLEBYS interview each other.

STREET DANCING led by M. WHITE- HOUSE (In the Rude) 23.50

STRIKES ANNOUNCEMENT laugh- ingly denied.

Tear-gas released.

BE M. QUEEN (not wearing Other Face) proclaims:

'My husband and 1—boo hod' Elsie Moody London Events

8.00 am In a combined broadcast Leaders of all three Parties in- augurate National Laughter Day. 9.00 am Service of Dedication in Westminster Abbey. Preacher: The Archbishop of Canterbury. Text: 'A funny thing happened . . ' 10.30 am Prince Charles distributes old jokes to young people at the Royal Albert Hall. 11.45 am Britain and Soviet I;nion sign agreement for a twenty-year exchange of jokes. 1.00 pm Demonstration of Ride- splitting and Buffet Lunch in Tra- falgar Square.

3.00 pm Her Majesty the Queen accepts jokes from representatives of Commonwealth countries in Westminster Hall. 5.00 pm Princess Anne opens Ex- hibition of eighteenth-century jokes at thew & A. 8.00 pm Royal Family attends Night of Mirth at London Pallad' i um. 11.59 pm Prime Minister reads The Last Joke. Fergus Porter