DIARY OF A NOTTING HILL NOBODY
MONDAY DD is on a major ‘guns ’n’ ammo’ high. It was manageable while it was just General Dannatt stuff, but now it’s spread — badly. No one could make sense of his rant about veiled Muslims being the ‘unexploded bombs of modern politics’ until Poppy pointed out that he was, for about three hours, in the bomb disposal unit of the territorial SAS. A quick phonecall to Doreen confirmed that he spent the weekend creeping up on mysterious packages in the back garden. Found it strangely unsettling when he approached me after morning conference and said, ‘Y’know, Tammy, sometimes the best way to avoid a big explosion is to have a series of smaller detonations.’ But then when I thought about it, I realised it made a lot of sense. Am wondering if we could adapt theory to deal with Mr Letwin. If we organised a controlled explosion in safe conditions just before we let him loose on Question Time, it would avoid all kinds of hassle.
TUESDAY
Honestly! This gay and lesbian ‘approved employer’ thingy is just silly. And causing me all kinds of hassle. Mummy has got the idea that now we are sanctioned by Stonewall I can get Aileen from the village a job. Tried to explain that Aileen is 15 stone and wears three lip rings. Is she prepared to diet and balance on top of a pair of Manolos and change her name to something ending in -y or -ie? (Ailie? Puh-leese.) Because if not, frankly, people are going to question her commitment to the new (good) look(ing) Conservative party. People like me and Poppy and Polly and Sophie and Katie have made sacrifices to work in the unforgiving world of centre-right re-alignment, you know. Chief among them forsaking the freedom to scoff cream cakes until we look like back of bus. Not very PC, I know, but that’s showbiz. People don’t want to see big fat lady spin-doctors with facial hair running behind today’s generation of superfit and elegant Tory leaders. That’s just reality. And — as Dave says — we’re not going back.
WEDNESDAY
Fab speech by Dave on need for tax cuts. Who’d have thought it, eh? OK, so it’s only pretend until we get tax commissions out of the way, but it looked pretty realistic, didn’t it? Mr Maude and Mr Willetts couldn’t watch; it was too painful. Mr Letwin watched through his fingers and made little whimpering noises like it was The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
Meanwhile our initiative to help make disabled people go back to work is getting lots of positive feedback. Proposals to improve disabled parking in Kensington, Chelsea and Westminster proving particularly popular. This is real ‘reaching out’ stuff!
THURSDAY At ease. Launch of ‘maverick’ tax report went off as planned. D&G saying they are keen as mustard on Lord F’s proposals. (Thankfully, there’s ages before we need to say we got it wrong and the ideas are actually complete pants. Wonder who’ll get to do that briefing?!) Meanwhile all policy commission chiefs are being issued with a copy of IDS’s new Liability For Suicide Bill. This innovative Private Member’s Bill would mean, if it becomes law, that if you push someone over the edge and they kill themselves, you would be charged with murder. It doesn’t name Mr Letwin explicitly, of course, but I think we all know what’s at stake.
tamzin.lightwater@spectator.co.uk
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