AND ANOTHER THING
Who will lift the albatross from around the Tory neck?
PAUL JOHNSON Last autumn I urged the Tory bigwigs, if there are such people these days, to dump John Major before Christmas. They failed to take my advice, which is not surprising if they don't exist, and the result was a further catalogue of disasters over the holidays. How long will the party go on with this hopeless man before the penny drops in its thick head? There are two things wrong with Major. Correction: there are two things especially wrong with Major. The first is that he is ridiculous, almost as ridiculous as his amazing elder brother, Mr Major-Ball. How can a prime minister do his job effectively if his Cabinet colleagues laugh at him behind his back — even chaste Mrs Bottomley permits herself a genteel snigger when his name comes up — and a growing majority of the nation guffaws at him openly? Major now commands less respect from the nation than the average bus conductor from his passengers.
Second, Major has run out of luck and must now be accounted an unusually hap- less politician. Luck is an important quality in a political leader, not least because it is not just blind chance but is also the conse- quence of dexterity, savoir-faire, footwork and timing. Mrs Thatcher was lucky from first to last, and even at the end was unlucky only in her spineless and treacher- ous colleagues. She bequeathed to Major his one real piece of luck — having Neil Kinnock as his opponent — and it is since Kinnock disappeared that the Prime Minis- ter has become the central character in a Feydeau farce, wondering which stage-door will burst open next.
Major's disastrous Downing Street din- ner for his retiring press man, Gus McDon- nell, was a perfect example of the kind of ill luck that visits a leader whose decline is terminal. Cornered politicians often begin to swear a lot, but a prime minister should never use the f-word, even in private, because it is sure to get into print and to a lot of people in this country it is still pro- foundly shocking, thanks be to God. Major, a vain man, has always made the mistake of dividing journalists into goodies and baddies, and only asking the goodies to Downing Street. But that does not mean he can confide in his media favourites. They do not betray his trust themselves but they gossip and tell tall tales; then the baddies pick up the scent and go in for the kill with- out any breach of confidence.
In addition, Major is now the victim of quite uncovenanted ill-fortune. He was in no way responsible for the gruesome tragedy of Lady Caithness but it is more damaging to him than the bedroom comedy of Yeo and Co. because it removed from the Government one of the few figures who appeared, before the Earl's clay feet emerged, to give it respectability. Then again, the coincidence of the auditor's report accusing Lady Porter of gerryman- dering was devastating bad luck. All her ladyship was doing, in my opinion, was weeding out undesirable council families from a decent neighbourhood, a piece of elementary social cleansing all house-own- ers, even or rather especially members of the Chattering Classes, approve of, though they won't say so honestly. The venomous remarks of the ill-favoured-looking accoun- tant are certain to be challenged in court, but for the moment they could not be more damaging to Tory prospects.
The virtually unanimous view among Tories high and low is that, if the local and Euro-elections in May-June go badly, then Major will retire or be sacked forthwith. But why wait? Major is not going to work any miracles in the meantime. It is far more likely that, in his jittery state, he will add to his catalogue of errors and that the bitter divisions in the Cabinet, just simmering beneath the surface, will burst right out with devastating effect. Much better to make him walk the plank now, in the 'Medea, 'orrible Medea!' expectation that, by the time the country goes to the polls, the new captain will be striding the quarter-deck confidently, the officers will be doing their duty, the crew will have stopped their mutiny talk and the ship will be back on course. The economy is recovering quite perceptibly at last, but with Albatross-Major still around no one notices.
The last objection to giving Major the push — that there is no clear choice about a successor — has disappeared. By his speech to the Way Forward Group last Fri- day, Michael Portillo threw his hat into the ring. It is splendid to see a member of this shabby Cabinet standing out from his col- leagues by making a serious speech raising important philosophical points and even garnishing it with poetry. Moreover, unlike Major and his hapless Back to Basics speech, Portillo believes every word he spoke. Personally, I still have a hankering to bring back Margaret Thatcher but, apart from the lady herself and that delightful new star on the media scene, Petronella Wyatt, I cannot find anyone to agree with me. So, in default of the Iron Lady, Portillo is now my man. I agree absolutely with his aim: 'Our mission must be to rebuild national self-confidence and self-belief . . . We will not allow a small group of pes- simists to bring us down.' That is a banner behind which a lot of sturdy folk will be prepared to march.
On the other hand, there is Kenneth Clarke, the favourite to succeed. Clarke has an enviable range of political and parlia- mentary skills, and a few years ago he had the foresight to pick as his adviser Tessa Keswick, who is now emerging as one of the shrewdest brains in British public life. But he is, of course, a Tory social demo- crat, one of the Ted Heath school, who believes in high spending and high taxes, as all of us will discover come April. He is lik- able, lucky, funny and streetwise, and will certainly put the Tories back into good heart. But he will also put them, pligosoph- ically, exactly where they were in 1975, when Mrs Thatcher took over, whereas Portillo will take them forward from where she left them in 1990. In short, the Tories now have a fascinating and fundamental choice placed before them by two politi- cians of great ability. The wretched Major should be put out of his misery so that the party can make up its mind with all deliber- ate speed.
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