In the Dolomites

SPECTATOR COMPETITION No. 281 Report by Mervyn Horder

A prize of f5

holiday inquiry was offered for the most amusing reply in 'English' to a frotn'the keeper of a small inn high up in the Dolomites.

WHAT with 'scalding aqueducts in the litter rooms' (C.H.P.) and 'two rooms with a vul- gar balcony and excommunicating doors' (A. W. Dicker), the Dolomites sound a rum place these days. Some of the more wayward and surrealist flights of fancy made me wonder whether the electronic brain of the competition a few weeks back was not still in action. I am afraid, however, there is more to it than just substituting a funny word for every other ordinary one.

I would like the prize divided equally between Edward Samson and Dorothy Bushell. The first has not allowed the re- quirement to be amusing to interfere with his duty as a responsible innkeeper—I should indeed like to have been present at Herr Stubel's conversation with the post- master; and the second is the best of the outrageous school. Honourable mentions to J. V. Kemp, R. Kennard Davis, Douglas Hawson and John Astbury. I quote some odds and ends which specially pleased me :

'We have ample garage accommodation for your char.' (Cpl. Chapman) 'In the close village you can buy jolly memorials for when you pass away.' (D. R. Peddy) 'I send you my prizes. If I am dear to you and your mistress, she could perhaps be reduced.' (M. Hodkin) 'We are also noted for having children.' (N. V. Mendham) 'The housewife has strained herself to learn the English mystery and is always wide open to make you a boiled cabbage or chips and fish.' (Douglas Hawson) PRIZES

(EDWARD SAMSON)

Dear Madame, I am honorable to accept your impossible request. Unhappy it is I here have not bedroom with bath. A bathroom with bed I have. I can though give you a washing with pleasure in a most clean spring with no person to see. I insist that you will like this.

You question also to recive beds for twins. For this I have grate seeking made without O.K. As well from the Postmeister because the wife to this man gives him many childs. This man admits nq knowledge about beds for twins.

Part of you may sleep in this place while your extras at the Postmeister go. It is only throwing a stone away.

All must eat in this haus the cheapest food. The fish your man hopes to catch is always in the stream. Hopping to do you.

Yours fully faithful, Albrecht Stubel.

(DOROTHY BUSHELL)*

Honoured!

I am amazing diverted by your entreaty for a room. I can offer you a commodious Chamber, with balcony imminent to the romantic gorge, and hope you want to drop in. A vivacious stream washes my doorsteps, so do not concern yourself that I am not too good in bath; also, I am superb in bed. As for cuisine, my wife is an unapproachable tyrant of the kitchen. Patty of fungus a speciality; enjoy it, rest in peace.

For the youthful personages, there are allur- ing ways, wild life, rustic revelries; very good hospital only fifty miles away. My charges are so changeable, to be all you can afford. I shall myself be strenuous for you, and my wife will mimic me.

A satiated guest wrote : 'I will never to visit other stranger countrysides.'

Listening attentively for you, COMMENDED

(r. V. KEMP)

Dear Sir!

I am very pleasing to retort to Your Asking for my Hotel. I am happy that I 5m empty in the upstairs Compartment from 28st to 5st. You can find with this Letter my Tariff and also a Preface to our Little Town. You will be agreeable that in view of the Services my

Figure is highly modest. There are hot and cold Waters running on every Floors. If you are wishing a Pension, one can order it. There gives english-early-mbrning Tea at 11, 13, 19.30 and 22 Hours with english Beefsteak. Sorrowfully I cannot abide Your Auto, but Oberflockigs Autowork can put up with it. If You will come here You will be certainly arrested by the Local Beauty. My Wife and I will be always at Attention. We will make Your Duration so dear as possibly.

Your humble and expectant Servant I

Klaus Derwinder.

(II. KENNARD DAVIS)

Dear Sir or Madam, Having freshly taken over the propriety of this notorious house, I am wishful that you remove to me your esteemed costume.

Standing amongst savage scenery, the hotel offers stupendous revelations. There is a french widow in every bedroom, affording deliteful prospects!

I give personal look to the interior wants of each geust. Here you shall be well fed-up and agreeably drunk ! Having once sampled our fooding, you will surely wish to enlarge your stays!

Numerous had-rooms! Full drainage! I Our charges for weakly visitors are scarcely creditable! Peculiar arrangements for gross parties!

Our motto is ever 'Serve You. Right!'