YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Q. My parents were invited to a wedding in Australia but were unable to attend. Through the post, however, came a letter from the bride's mother enclosing two unidentified photographs of the celebra- tions. In one, bride and mother stand smiling together outside the church. In another, the bride (aged 31) stands smiling between two extremely old men. One of these old men is her father, but how can my parents find out, without causing offence, whether the other old man is her new husband?
C. MacD., London W1 4. It is always a good idea to keep a radio tuned to loud hissing and crackling mode in handy proximity to a telephone. Your mother should set one up, then ring Aus- tralia. `Just ringing to thank you for the photographs! What a lovely one of Emma standing with her father and. . . . ' At this Point she should turn the radio on for about ten seconds. `Sorry!' she can then scream. 'What a terribly bad line. Remind me . . I've completely forgotten. What was I just saying?'
Dear Mary. . .
Q. I was recently caught off guard by one of those men who come to your door selling frozen dinner party food out of the back of a van and who simply will not take no for an answer. I cannot afford to pay £3 for a child-sized helping of 'air-frozen' cod but I found myself meekly writing out a huge cheque for boxfuls of stuff I neither needed nor wanted. How should I handle him next time he calls? I live in dread.
B.S., Hants A. Next time he calls, beam triumphantly and say, `We've got rid of our freezer.'
Q. In the theatre, during scenes containing
foul language and explicit sex, is there an appropriate expression to wear? A smile might indicate that one is titillated, whereas a frown suggests one is shocked. I am broadminded, have been around and am in my sixties — therefore it shouldn't matter what others think about my reaction, but somehow it does. Actually, I may have worked out the answer now — a yawn? Perhaps other theatre-goers would find this a useful tip.
E.H., London SW20 A. You are right. Yawning is the preferred response, particularly since one yawn usual- ly elicits a spate of involuntary copycat responses from others in one's immediate vicinity and you may even have the satisfac- tion of seeing a ripple effect running through the rows.
Mary Killen
If you have a problem, write to Dear Mary clo The Spectator, 56 Doughty Street, London WC1N 2LL.
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