YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary. . .
Q. I have a mistress to whom I regularly liaak.e late night telephone calls. The trou- ,ule Is that neither of us wants to be the one t o.11ang up or the last to say goodbye so we 813n1 out the goodnights for, sometimes, ten Minutes. How can I put a stop to this, with- Qat causing offence?
Name and address withheld • Why not suggest to your mistress that Jua take it in turns to be the one to hang Q- A bet-hedging friend of my boyfriend at nd mine is always letting us down by not 0111nang up for things. He is definitely fond us, but suffers from a sort of social Promiscuity. This means that, when invited sf3ti3 Inewhere, he says, 'Yes. I think I'm going th be able to make that', but then chucks at Cast last minute if he gets a better invitation. i Tarty some kind of psychiatric treatment Indicated but, in the meantime, how can I ;11sure that he does not chuck a forthcom- iill,g shooting weekend that we want to invite 'Into? It will be no fun without him.
Name and address withheld A. Issue the invitation formally, i.e., in writ- ing. No doubt your friend will fail to com- mit himself to a written response. This means that, after a suitable lapse of time, you can ring up his parents and say, 'I'm frightfully sorry to trouble you. I'm looking for Hugo, (or Desmond . . . whatever his name is) and thought he might be with you. You see, I haven't had a reply to my invita- tion for this weekend that I'm setting up virtually in his honour, because it will be no fun without him, and now I'm going to be out of contact myself for a few days.' You may then leave it to his flattered parents to track him down and insist that he commit himself to a formal acceptance of your invi- tation. Q. What should one say, if one is a friend of both HRH the Prince of Wales and Mrs Parker Bowles, next time one meets them? One cannot pretend one has not read the transcript of the call and the references to internal protection.
Name and address withheld A. If you genuinely are a friend, then you will be aware that, in upper-class circles, light-hearted banter to do with bottoms, lavatories, being sick, etcetera, form the central core of most friendly telephone calls. Though the two might be angry that their conversation was taped, they will not be embarrassed by any of the lavatorial aspects of it. One suitable opening gambit for genuine friends of the two might be to say, 'I am sorry you've had such a horrid time recently', then proceed immediately to some news of your own.
Mary Killen
If you have a problem, please write to Dear Mary', The Spectator, 56 Doughty Street, London WC1N 2LL.
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