23 SEPTEMBER 1995, Page 61

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IN COMPETITION NO. 1899 you were invited to supply an item from a gossip col- umn exemplifying the acronym BUFT boring, unfunny, false, tasteless.

I included 'false' not only to make a pleasing acronym but to allow you libel- free licence, which few of you took advan- tage of. I often told my children that I would rather they worked as lavatory atten- dants than became stringers for a gossip column; and so one did, naturally — for a fortnight. Imagine putting in a hard day's fishing chat-up with only this stale jest at the bottom of your net (from the Times): `Princess Margaret is fond of Marco Pierre White's restaurant in Knightsbridge — so I'm sad to learn the affection is not entirely mutual. A chef there was recently asked, "What is Princess Margaret's favourite dish?" The answer, given through gritted teeth, was: "The ashtray." '

The prizewinners, printed below (it was difficult to know how much emphasis to place, in judging, on the different letters of the acronym), get £20 each, and the bonus bottle of Isle of Jura Single Malt Scotch whisky goes to Mike Morrison.

Here's a pretty pair and no Miss-take! Lulabella Poitrine, wrapped in the arms of Hubby Number Six, plutonium plutocat Hogarth X. Carnelian III.

Stretch-limo'd from premiering at la Lula's latest epic, Chattanooga Cheesecake, the divine duo are spotted smooching at Boob-Ooze, the Big Apple's nattiest nitespot.

The nite's still young and so's the bustling bride (34 and holding), compared with new-kid- in-the-sack Hoagie, 83 and folding. 'I'm one con- tented guy — I finally met my match,' he twin- kles.

`Match', Hoag? Ya mean ya got what it takes to strike a light these days?

We know the lady's not for burning, but in that diaphanous dishabille, luscious Lulabella's sure gonna pop thermometers tonight!

(Mike Morrison)

Word reaches me from deepest Wiltshire that the Dowager Duchess of Dirndle is going in for hair replacement in the Graham Gooch style. `Dozo' to friends, the Duchess, 59, is probably best remembered as Doreen Grey, the Sixties starlet who made such a splash in the notorious bath scene in Fellini's Blow-Up. Since those heady days her crowning glory had started to thin alarmingly. But now, say friends, horse- loving Dozo has reined in her galloping alopecia to a gentle trot, thanks to some painstaking cra- nial tapestry work. Nobody is more delighted than Colonel `13ufto' Burton, 63, who has never left her ladyship's side since the late Duke bit the dust on his ill-fated trip across the Kalahari

by dog. (W.J. Webster) Intimate friends of Michael Jackson will be unsurprised by the video accompanying his latest hit, which shows the pigmentally challenged entertainer almost totally nude. We had long denied those absurd rumours which claimed that everywhere below the neckline Michael was, well, incontrovertibly a black American. Less well known, however, even by the favoured few, is the particular incident which sparked off his obsessive quest for whiter-than-whiteness. Eliz- abeth Taylor tells me that some years agb, while dining with Michael, a number of his high- spirited young acquaintances and a couple of lla- mas, the singer struck her as looking uncharac- teristically morose. 'Hey, Michael,' urged Liz kindly. 'Lighten up, will ya?' (Peter Norman) No sec, peas — we're British!

I hear Lady Bunting, known to friends as 'Knockers', has been caught in flagrante with Hugo Montagu-Stapleford at Princess Marg- aret's favourite Knightsbridge restaurant. They were eating peas with their forks, not from the blade of the knife as etiquette demands. This will mean almost certain divorce for the thrice-mar-

ried former bunny girl. Pale and strained, she climbed into a taxi outside her £1 million Chelsea mews house, saying, 'I hope Piers can find it in his heart to forgive me.' Her mother-in- law, the formidable Dowager Lady Huffpuff, might prove harder to win round. 'It's like order- ing mushrooms on toast and then eating the toast!' she told a reliable source. (Jon Sayers) Scandal rocked Yorkshire this week at the wed- ding of local fat cat Eddie Rochester, 37, and Joan Eyre, 19, live-in minder of Eddie's sprog by a Paris call girl. Party pooper Rik Mason, 39, revealed that Eddy is already married to his psychoheiress sister Bertha, 42. According to sugar king Rik, Eddie keeps pyromaniac vampire sexhead Bertha banged up in a pindown type regime in a loft conversion in his £5 million luxu- ry mansion. Jan, 22, who wore white satin, left the ceremony in tears and yesterday joined a fundamentalist cult based at a secret address near Keighley. 'I am basically gutted,' said ex- public-schoolboy Eddie. Gobsmacked vicar Archibald Wood, 63, is now receiving coun- selling. (R.G. Parlour)

No. 1902: Mock heroics

Recently, Mr Major rescued a goldfish with sunstroke. He plunged into a pond, retrieved it and smeared it with sun-cream. You are invited to write iambic rhyming couplets (maximum 16 lines) in a mock- heroic manner describing any contempo- rary politician's gallant rescue of an animal. Entries to 'Competition No. 1902' by 5 October.