COMPETITION
Mrs Grundy's version
Jaspistos
IN COMPETITION NO. 2154 you were invited to supply a mealy-mouthed précis of the plot of a Shakespearian tragedy for the eyes of innocent under-tens.
I'd always thought of Mrs Grundy as a mid-Victorian creation, but in fact she was born in 1798, in a play by Tom Morton called Speed the Plough in which farmer Ashfield rebukes his wife: 'Be quiet, wool ye? Always ding-dinging Dame Grundy into my ears — What will Mrs Grundy zay?'
There was much to be amused by: 'When Juliet saw Romeo's remains, she took his dagger and, plunging it into her bust, joined him in heavenly bliss' (David Barton); 'This story takes place in Scotland, so we must make allowances for Macbeth' (G.M. Davis); 'So King Lear decided to take just two friends — Kent, and a fool to tell them lots of jokes — and live in the countryside, even though the weather was very wet' (D.A. Prince).
The prizewinners, printed below, get £25 each, and the Macallan Single Malt Highland Scotch whisky is Roger Till's. Young Romeo is well-meaning, as we all are, but he has a hasty temper. After marrying Juliet, his girlfriend from an unfriendly family, he kills a cousin of hers. For this thoughtless action Romeo is made to stand in the corner, as it were. Then the Friar (a kind of clergyman) who married the two young people gives Juliet some medicine that will send her to bye-byes. When it's time for wakey-wakey Romeo will be by her side to say hullo again. But no: seeing that the girl has died (as he thinks, mistakenly), he decides to poison himself. Juliet wakes up. Thinking the worst when Romeo looks so pale and out of sorts, Juliet borrows his dagger and that's that. Still, there's quite a happy end- ing because the two families of squabbling grown-ups have a rare old wholesome and for- giving get-together.
(Roger Till) There was once a brave Roman general named Titus. One day he returned victorious from the wars with a very beautiful Gothic lady named Tamora and her sons. Tamora was so beautiful that the Emperor himself fell in love with her and made her his queen. All would have gone well, but I'm sorry to say that Tamora's sons were very rude to Titus's daughter, Lavinia. In fact, they were so rude to her that she was quite unable to tell her father about it. He, naturally, was very upset, and wanted to punish those ill- mannered boys. He thought and thought about how he could do this, and finally invited Tamora to dinner to talk about it. Unfortunately, she didn't like the food and the party was not a suc- cess. Eventually, however, Tamora and her hus- band died, and Titus' son became Emperor, so all ended happily.
(Frances Favre) Macbeth and Banquo were important, about like the Prime Minister. Some witches predicted Macbeth would be king and could not be hurt by anyone who had been born properly, and only if Birnam wood moved. The king, Duncan, was coming to stay and Macbeth and his wife, who knew all about law, talked about what they should do. As the king was very old and good, Jesus would be expecting him any day, so they sent him to heaven that night, like a doctor would, and killed Banquo too so that they could be king and queen. But the king's sons ran to England for soldiers, with Macduff, who was cross because his chickens were dead. The sol- diers hid in the wood and made it seem to move, and it turned out that Macduff had not had a proper mum and he killed Macbeth.
(Michael Saxby) Imagine what'd happen if naughty ducks and naughty hens had to share the same coop! There'd be some squabbling in the farmyard! This is what happens when some Greeks visit their own Helen, who has been on a long holiday with some Trojans, and won't come home. The Greeks start to sulk, and set up camp, where they play all day — they don't obey orders at all! And the Trojans sulk, too, because they own the campsite. The sad story is that two young Trojan friends, Troilus and Cressida, are forced by their families to live separately, Cressida with the Greeks. However, with so many naughty, selfish people about, they become rather naughty too, and they never see each other again. But as a funny man, Thersites, says, it's all nonsense. He's quite right! Everyone makes clever speeches, but what's the use if they can't learn manners?
(Bill Greenwell) Old King Lear has three daughters. He offers them his lands if they will say they love him lots and lots. Goneril and Regan say, 'Yes, we do.' Poor Cordelia is too shy and just replies, 'I love you out of duty.' The king becomes so vexed he sends her to France. Lear's adviser and Fool is a very clever man who tells the king in an amusing way how stupid he is. Sadly the Fool perishes in a noose-related accident. Lear's friend, the Duke of Gloucester, meets Goneril and Regan on holiday in Dover. The wind has blown grains of sand into his eyes. The girls help to remove them. Cordelia also passes away following rope complications. Very few people are left at the end of the play. It is not one of Shakespeare's jollier efforts, but of course there are lessons to be learnt.
(Mike Morrison)
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