YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Q. When giving a dinner party, how can one prevent greedy guests from helping them- selves to too much of a shared dish? The other night I served blinis with sour cream and caviar. I watched in amazement as one of my fattest friends repeatedly spooned caviar on to his plate until he had consumed the lion's share. He grunted with a no-blame sensuality as he did so, and even boasted that he was unable to control himself. It was my fault, he said, for having tempted him. How should one deal with guests who take a victim-culture attitude to their own greed?
V.L, London N1 A. Next time your fat friend comes to din- ner, punish him by laying a crescent of nightlight-sized candles around his place so he cannot access the shared dishes without burning himself. His platter will have to be passed to him by his neighbour and you can take control of the loading of it.
Q. I work as a greeter in a fashionable restaurant. How can one delicately extract the names of people who come beaming into the restaurant in clear anticipation that I will recognise them, yet who, as far as I am concerned, I have never seen before in my life? It is no good saying, 'What name is the table booked in, sir?' because, often as not, they will reply, 'My own.'
Name withheld, London WC2
Dear Mary.
• • A. Say 'Lovely to see you, sir. I'll just have someone show you to your table.' That other someone will be primed to inquire, as you yourself glide out of verbal reach, 'And your name, sir?' The punter will only be crestfallen if you fail to recognise him.
Q. Here is a problem which must be of interest to the thousands of cripples like myself who travel by air. What is an appro- priate tip to the wheelchair handler? From my own experience, there are usually three different handlers involved at both depar- ture and arrival, including the hoisters onto and off the plane. Their task varies in effort. For example, the noble handler who whisks cripple (and escort) through passport con- trol and customs, collecting baggage en route and not abandoning his charge until handed over to the awaiting receptionist, is deserving of special thanks. As a vieux pau- vre, I often wonder if my proffered note is adequate. Of course we are all aware that A. All the leading cripples on the interna- tional circuit are in agreement that airport wheelchair handlers should never be tipped. To tip is only to rob the helper of a rare chance to feel a sense of virtue and almost verges on passive aggression. Far more welcome than money is the comment `God bless you'.
Q. I know that it is off-putting to boast openly, but now that it is winter how can I best show off the washboard stomach that I have finally achieved after months in the gym? It may have disappeared by the time I next have the chance to wear a bikini.
S.G., Caine, Wiltshire A. Wear stretchy black tops which attract detritus such as cigarette ash or crumbs. Then, particularly when you are in a restau- rant or sitting opposite people at a table, you will have the opportunity to pull the top guilelessly forward to flick off the crumbs. In this way you will allow views of your new figure to be serially glimpsed. tipping is supposed to be voluntary, etcetera etcetera, though waiters and taxi-drivers would hardly agree, but that is quite beside the point. So, dear Mary, please help me (and others) to enable us to travel with a clear conscience in future. Corfu, Greece
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