Electroneloquently Yours

SPECTATOR COMPETITION No. 277 Report by Tom Bowling An electronic brain has written a love letter beginning, 'Dearest Sweetheart : You are my avid fellow being. My affection curiously clings to your passionate wish,' and ending, 'Yours beautifully.' A prize of £5 was offered' for a 'poison pen' letter, a plea to the income tax authorities, a publisher's letter of rejection, a piece of advice to the lovelorn, or a diplomatic note, from a similar source.

A SIGNIFICANTLY large proportion of com- petitors attempted the publisher's letter: Leslie Johnson, E. C. Jenkins and P. A. T. O'Donnell all handled this theme with suspicious ease, and Barbara Rickard de- serves quotation : 'Heretofore, however,- we do not, as it were, publish works of the uplifting sad- ness and modest introspection that is the beautiful bent of your book. If you Would be virtuous enough to send me any further examples of your nice craft, say in a lighter fluid vein, I will be content to give it most lachrymose contemplation.' None of the diplomatic robots was quite

up to current Foreign Office standards, and, surprisingly enough, no one quite found the answer to the income tax authorities, though Martin Jordan came near with an entry which included the following:

'My mother breathes with me perma- nently. Her intimate income is small. .. . It is a delicate object of knowledge that she has dividends, but the imbursement is of moderation.'

Among the small band of 'poison pens' Nancy Gunter was prominent (It is vulgar learning that you are a five asterisks and a six asterisks'), while Douglas Hawson ('Take caution! Your good woman is carrying on a business with your daily purveyor of milk') and Frances Coiling- wood COsculating Madame Blackand- White as soon as the rear of her better half is rotated is maybe not the line a square vendor of dairy produce should chase') chose a common victim. Regretfully turn- ing to subject of much-desired lucre, I recommend a first prize of £2 for Annie Allen and £1 each for G. J. Blundell, R.

Kennard Davis and Una Cheverton. Run- ners-up, Ongar and A. M. Sayers.

PRIZES

(ANNIE ALLEN)

Advice to the Lovelorn

Wise man avers: better lobster roams sea, not yet caught. Veritable. Buy Dior H-line, basin hat, show-toe shoes. Pink your visage. Achieve your hair sliced with allure. Purchase permanent lip-paint. Be plastic in your man- ner and when he does converge to you, preci- pitate capture with a pretty peal of pleasure.

(G. I. BLUNDELL)

Publisher's Letter of Rejection Cherished Gentleman, We are disgusted at sending back your handwriting. Credit us, this retrograde step is not due to any fissure in your operation. but to the sight we must have of the public asking upon which our being hangs. In brevity, gentleman, your manufacture does not hit us as being enough of the people to guarantee its being propounded by our estab- lishment; but if you could let us view another of your fabrications inscribed with, shall we speak, a bigger eye to the well-liked demand we should be felicitous to give it our favour- able pondering.

In the happening of your having something of this category to donate, perhaps you will have the decency to touch us.

Yours trustingly,

THE MECHANIX PUBLISHING CO.

(R. KENNARD DAVIS)

Poison Pen

Detestable Miss, You are notified that you incurred observa- tion from yours anonymously last p.m. when

crediting yourself surreptitious. 0 what on- goings, what negatively fraternal embrace- ments! It is comprehended why you out- shoulder competitors for floral decoration ot ecclesiastical edifice! Big had wolf in black sheep's clothing lurks in vestry! We recommend immediate evacuation of outraged vicinity, anticipating, unseemly reve- lations and episcopal de-garbing of co- delinquent. Procrastination is perilous. All- ' seeing optic hounds your footprints. Vigilantly yours,

NEMESIS

(UNA CHEVERTON)

Publisher's Letter of Rejection

Pitifil Attempter, It relieves me to announce that your .MS. My Life in India has been read. I return it with elation, and am eager to provide postage to see its departure. It was not bad enough to allow us the relaxation of amusement. So many wearisome productions confront us in daily routine that we regard them as waste ol our valuable precision parts. We pray you have never been to Africa, met any celebrities. never been Through the Trossachs on a Tri- cycle. In any case, do not record your experiences, and die soon.

Yours contemptuously,

E. BRAIN

(Steel. Truth & Steel, Publishers)