YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Q. I am a professional artist. At this time of year I naturally like to paint land- scapes. As a consequence I am something of a sitting target for walkers who seem to think I will welcome their company and comments. Examples typically include: 'I think I would put a bit more colour into that picture if I were painting it'; 'How much is that going to go for then? Good Lord! Well it's quite nice but I wouldn't pay that for it'; 'Good luck with it anyway — and don't get discouraged.' How can I discourage people from approaching me at all?
M. T., York A. Just wear a rather large pair of Walkman headphones with the lead disappearing into an empty pocket and affect to be unaware of the sound of approaching footfall, breathing etc. Should anyone be insensitive enough to say, 'Oh, I thought you were lis- tening to something but I see you're not . . . , ' you can reply pleasantly, 'No, I just wear these instead of earplugs because I find the slightest noise can ruin concentra- tion when I am painting.'
Dear Mary.. .
Q. I am a pregnant solicitor and would be grateful for your help in replying to com- ments received concerning my 'condition', which include: 1. Question: 'How are you?' Answer: 'Very well'. Reply: 'Are you? So you didn't read that article about the level of stress caused to solicitors which can induce miscarriage?' 2. 'You should buy a T-shirt saying "I'm not fat, I'm pregnant".' 3. 'Aren't you worried that your baby may be deaf or blind, because they can't do tests for that?' 4. `Let's just pray that your baby isn't under- weight' (from a woman who considers my bump to be too small).
Name withheld, Thames Ditton, Surrey A. Reply by smiling, 'It's funny you should say that. Do you know you're the fourth person to say exactly that to me today and I never know what to answer?' Then remain silent until your interlocutor splut- ters out an apology for his or her thought- less cliché.
Q. Should robustly Rubenesque women aged 53 wear 'leggings' (even in the privacy of their homes), and, to compound the crime, also wear a short top that does not cover the rump? If your answer is yes, I shall cancel my subscription.
G.L-W., La Tour de Peilz, Switzerland A. The answer is, no. Leggings should not be worn even by those with flaw-free physiques. The consistency of the fabric is suitable only for underwear. But leggings wearers mean no harm. The sorrow is that many of us only realise how hideous we are when walking past the full-length mirrors that are some- times featured as part of shop windows. Per- haps councils should be ordered to ensure that these are more routinely installed, with a quota for every high street.
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