SPECTATOR COMPETITION No. 156 Report by John Barlow

Prizes were offered for groups of four "Short-Clerihews." on a variety of public figures. The "Short-Clerihew" has two lines (not necessarily consecutive) consisting of one word each, one of them to be the subject's name.

The rule did say `tour Short-Clerihews," and the categories of possible names were wide enough to let in almost anybody—though I barred the Sphinx, that famous writer Anon and Turpin's Black Bess. Many people sent only one or two clerihews; some sent Multiple sets of four; most managed four. The entry was prodigious, as I hoped, and there were some extraordinary, not to say extravagant, Variations of treatment, matters-of-fact and literariness. I marked very mercifully, and didn't bar the implausible or the near-surrealist, especially as I was very early made aware that few of us can hit off a really good clerihew.

The clerihew, to be memorable, must surely fire off a truly witty new observation on its victim; ,or must at least delight us with a frenzied improbability that stays within the bounds of correct grammar. Too many entries showed that most of us are dazzled— purely temporarily, of course—by getting a first rhyme to fit the victim's name; and only rarely can we pursue the single thought to what should seem its fore-ordained conclusion. Many ignored the essential tightness of structure in a clerihew and ran off into last -linet of 12, 14 and 16 words.

It was a fascinating gathering of victims, with politicians, poets and composers of many vintages as top favourites. It was remark- able to note how many hit off precisely the same rhyme-word for the Victim's name; I expect to undergo for a long time a nightmare in which Attlee flatly declines Bevan's Heaven, in spite of both Morrison's orisons and Tennyson's benisons; Eve's leaves will be admired by Searle's girls as much as Dante's panties, Grable's sables and Kant's pants to the background music of Brahms' charms, which are not spoiled by Britten's kittens. Each of these paired names- and-attributes were sent by more than one competitor, Bevan's Heaven occurring over thirty times! Anne (Queen) was jostled by Alma-Tadema (of the Academah) and Aquinas stood neighbour to Aphrodite (in, of course, her nightie); we learned the virtues, faults, habits and ambitions of Baylis and Bartok, Beyle and Botticelli.

The Great Disliked, whether quick or dead, were vilified and jeered at with gusto and, frequently, a lack of grammar; the Well Loved were exposed in all their glory and beauty, and a few com- petitors revealed their sillinesses and imperfections with honest zeal. Most people, if they try, can hit a neat name for a clean six —once; but few can repeat this with the succeeding victims. There were some very astute singles scattered up and down the hundreds of entries, of which here are a few:

Leoncavallo Plato's Was terribly sallor, But found a solution— Ablution.

Maugham Still keeps waugham; Somer hasn't set Yet.

Ruskin Never wore the buskin, Yet he could, without doubt, Spout.

There were others of at least this standard—but on living persons. It would have been a pleasure to print a few of them, but thexe is such a thing as libel, and the Spectator goes into many a home where even the most juvenile reader couldn't fail to see what was what, about certain politicians, unpopular actors and singers, and topical busybodies If any four of the following nine had flowed from one pen, they would have got into the final short-list.

Proust Used to dribble down his vest, said Marie Gineste.

(ALLAN M. LAING) Flecker Behaved so badly at Mecca That he was banned Samarkand

(D. R. CAPES)

Potatoes

Were always served sauté

(pour alder la contemplation de la beauty.) Draydn Never heard the works of Haydn; He probably prefyrd Byrd.

Keats Bleats For Fanny. How can he?

Tippett's Snippets May outlive Gounod's. Who knows?

(GERVASE HUGHES)

Draper's Capers Mirror Truth. Encore, Ruth.

(MARION HILL) Joan Although she was known As "d'Arc," had fair Hair.

(SUSAN Ton)

Britten Has long tenor parts in what he has written To make sure everyone hears Pears.

(JOAN E. TOWNSEND) Novello

Was a very good-looking fellow;

Throngs Were persuaded he could write songs. (WING-CMDR. M. W. PALMER)

After the many rereadings and siftings I short-listed four entries, and am now so clerihew-conditioned that I cannot decide whether any one is the best of two pairs—two with lists of four, and two good runners-up with three. So I suggest a double prize and two modest consolations. £2 each to Joyce Johnson and W. G. Bebbington; 10s. each to M. W. B. Townsend and R. A. K. Wright, who managed a consistent level of clerihew three times but couldn't quite make four very palpable hits.

PRIZES

(JOYCE JOHNSON)

Joyful Newton Waldteufel Was an astute 'un Wrote a waltz for skaters,

But it's heard chiefly by waiters. Appellation.

He gave the Law of Gravitation 'Spooner Moody

Sooner, Stopped being broody Or later, left in a flurry And said: "Thank 'ee, To put his hassock on in a curry. Sankey."

G. BEBRINGTON) Tupper Cannot be said to have given anything to the upper Strata

Of the ars literata.

Gissing Doesn't deal much even with Is a sort of literary mutiny;

"Scrutiny" The ringleader, I believe, is kissing; Leavis. "Ulysses" Goes far beyond mere kisses.

B. TOWNSEND)

Hegel Cannot inveigle Me to acknowledge his Phenomenologies.

Domitian

Got his boy's tuition From a man in a million, Quintillian.

(R. A. K. WRIGHT) Barrie Anouihl- Never wore his glengarry, Ennui And seldom was his sporran Is too often a fact

Worn. before the second act.

Cousin Roussin,

It's time your "Little Hut"

Was shut! Flames Aren't lacking for Hemingway's dames, But nobody fries

Fry's. (D. R. PEDDY)

I am ill-read. I'll tackle Borrow Tomorrow.

Pater Later. (CAPT. W. R. S. ROBERTON)

(W.

I have not Read a single. word of what Grote Wrote.

(M. W.

Carlyle Writes a style • Which they call, if you please, Carlylese.