Q. What can we do about a dear old friend
who is possessed of a socially unacceptable sneeze? She recently visited us in the country and we took her to our favourite local restaurant, an intimate log-fire kind of place. All went well until, out of the blue, she erupted into one of her dreaded sneezes — an ear-piercing scream followed by a loud shout. Diners at other tables were shocked; some dropped their cutlery. Startled bats flew up into the night sky. Our friend took no notice — she never does. She says she’s always sneezed like that. Is there any way of persuading her to moderate her sneeze, or do we and our local friends simply have to put up with it?
Name and address withheld A. At the beginning of the next social session beat your friend at her own game by supplying her with a prodigious quantity of snuff and invite her to get all her sneezing out of the way so that you can then have a clear run for the rest of the evening. Snuff, which triggers sneezing in novice users, costs between £2 and £5 per tin and is available from Smith’s Snuff shop, 74 Charing Cross Road, London WC2 (0207 836 7422). It is enjoying a boost in popularity as the smoking ban spreads and people are buying it for use as a nicotine substitute in public places. Stand over your friend while she undergoes this managed sneezeathon. It will satisfy her obvious need to draw attention to herself and should also exhaust her capacity for any further sneezing as the evening wears on.
If you have a problem, write to Dear Mary, c/o The Spectator, 56 Doughty Street, London WC1N 2LL.
Previous page
