No. 1375: The winners
Jaspistos reports: Competitors were asked for a Nutter's Short History of the World.
I think G. K. Chesterton once said that the distinguishing mark of the lunatic is that he is more, not less, logical than the average man. If proof in detail is what is needed, the nutter will readily supply it. A fine humorous illustration of this is Ronald Knox's essay in which he triumphantly proves, by revealing the sort of hidden cypher so dear to Baconians, that the author of In Memoriam was really Queen Victoria. I was hoping for some similar monomaniacal theses, but many of you took my invitation as a licence to go bananas, or to be fuzzily whimsical, or to provide a jerky, joky History of the World in the style of 1066 And All That. Among the best losers were Eva Hanagan, T. Griffiths, V. Ernest Cox and Roger Wod- dis. The winners, who get £.10 each, were those whose historians seemed to be grin- ning literally like mad. The bonus bottle of Cognac Courvoisier VSOP is awarded to Mary Ann Moore, whose nutter is en- dearingly confident and happy in his own view of things.
'E fixed it in seven days. Sun up there — pop — moon — pop — give it a spin an' we're on. After that, 'E 'ad a kip. Evolution? Rubbish! Wot come first — the horchid or the bee? It all come tergether. We was there — just a few of us — 'appily talkin' ter the haminals — an' the dinosaurs ruled fer millions o' years.
Then Eve, the 'ead woman, went an' listened to a snake. A sort o' salesman. 'Im Up There said 'No', but she an' er 'ole man Adam ate some junk food an' it blew their brains, like lead does ter kids now. Made 'em evil an' greedy. They 'ated everybody, an' fought, an 'ad ter be boss over the lot, all the time.
'OK ,"E said. 'Ave itcher own way, sodjer', an' look where it's got us. Nearly time fer the rats to 'ave a go. Or p'raps the hinsecs.
(Mary Ann Moore) The formation of the world in the shape of a globe led to permanent instability. Giant move- ments of population, unable to stabilise them- selves on a curved, spinning surface, led to war, conquest and discovery. Especially vulnerable were small mountain communities, whose secur- ity was envied ,by powerful neighbours. France
and Spain divided Andorra, China invaded Tibet, and only the inhabitants of isolated Greek monasteries preserved mankind's original wis- dom and sanity. Now the United States, latest of a line of despots from Caesar to Hitler, seeks to capture the secrets of Mount Athos by means of its Strategic Defense Initiative, while the Soviet • Union pursues the same objective by espionage and subversion. However, the large, irregular land surfaces of both nations also mean that the thought-waves of their leaders are warped and self-defeating. Final peace will not arrive until the opening, under the prescribed conditions, of Joanna Southcott's box.
(Basil Ransome-Davies) World history is best explained using the foot- baller's idiom. Biblical times gave us the first examples of: a FIFA ban (Adam and Eve); a cynical foul (Cain on Abel); a 'Super League' (the twelve tribes of Israel) and a panel of experts (the three Wise Men). In Jesus, we had the first manager to be ritually crucified after a string of bad results (the twelve-man squad proved an insuperable handicap).
Modern history began with the Dark Ages when England failed to qualify for the World Cup finals for seven consecutive centuries.
More recently, Germany has twice shown the world football's uglier side with disturbances across Europe (allegedly organised by fascist gangs). Russia has tried unsuccessfully to substi- tute 'player power' for the traditional authorita- rian rule of the referee.
The modern era is characterised by tough supremos (like Big Ron and 'Uncle' Joe), packed defences and explosive strikers.
(Michael Dawson) The outright prohibition of The Menace appears to have eluded the pre-classical age. Litter abounded throughout the full flowering of Greece and the Pax Romana. Elsewhere, though, one can well imagine Shih Huang-ti, the great Chin wall constructor, would have buried the 'top' mandarins alive had he discovered so much as a single scrap of paper blowing around his middle kingdom. Quite simply, the dark ages were a mess — items of no use were scattered everywhere. Under feudalism, middens were only for the well-to-do. Later still, steal a hanky and it was off to abo-land, but the wanton spoilage of urban amenity escaped scot-free. Victoria's generation tackled the drains ques- tion. Recently, the United Nations General Assembly received a registered letter enclosing relevant newspaper clippings urging co- ordinated worldwide action, especially against sweetpapers, Cola tins and empty cigarette packets. But will they listen?
(Jonathan Ignarski) 'Twas spat out of the mouth of a Dragon — gret ball of fiery gob. 'Tis true I'm tellin you. Spinning it went, hurleyballin through space, hardenin as it goes. Impetrainable darkness. It missed dodgin and struck the pendilan of the gret Starclock. (Thass when Time started.) Read it in the Book of Exodents if you don't believe me. The Witch Grennin dipped it in lifemuck, and grass come up and all trees and little people and animals aclimbin them and all and birds flyin and fishes in the watery parts. Then BC come and Romans and Dinahsores and then AD come. It got dark a few hunnert years. And then it got light agin — at the renasens. Amerikay was scovered where old Noah'd mucked out the Ark. Rooshia'd bin there along time with Stars rulin. And that's where we've got to. Awaitin for Dragon to eat us up agin.
(Gerard Benson)
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