The Doctor scores

Jaspistos

IN COMPETITION NO. 2164 you were invited to supply an exchange between Holmes and Watson in which the latter emerges as the more . observant and intelligent.

Great fun. In your scenarios it was often Holmes's near insanity rather than Watson's intelligence or powers of observation which was responsible for the Doctor scoring — as in Christopher Mason's finale: 'The scarcity of strawberry pips and a certain gelatinous consistency in those dark red patches on the right sleeve exclude both Crosse and Blackwell and Keiller's as purveyors of this particular jam. . . . "Holmes,' I cried, 'that is my father's blood. He has been run over by a tramcar.' The prizewinners, printed below, get £25 each, and the Macallan Single Malt Highland Scotch whisky is W.J. Webster's.

Holmes stooped with his glass to examine a mark in the earth by the wall.

'A footprint?' I asked.

'Your powers of observation grow apace, Watson. And with the aid of my monograph on Northamptonshire lasts you would know, as I do, when and where the shoe in question was manu- factured, as well as the gait of its wearer. But could you tell me why the imprint is of a boy's shoe, yet its depth indicates the weight of a man? Observe, too, that the window is too high for a, child to reach, but too narrow for a man to enter.

`Could not. . .

`Evidently, the impression was made not by our young intruder standing beneath the win- dow, but as he dropped from it. The window was his exit, not his entrance.'

'Unless,' I suggested, 'there were two boys, one riding pickaback.'

Holmes was silent. But I fancy there was grati- tude in the look he shot me. (W.J. Webster)

Holmes looked keenly at me. 'What does that tell you?' he inquired. 'It tells me,' I said, nettled by his tone, 'that you do not understand Mrs Hudson.' Holmes's eyes narrowed. 'Pray continue.. said he coldly.

'Very well,' I replied, ticking off the points on my fingers, 'First, you ridicule her shoes, which were obviously new, observing that you were not aware that they were selling off the old barges from Wapping docks. Then you complain about your breakfast egg and finally, when she asks what day it is, you say Thursday.'

'Quite correctly.' 'But it is also her birthday, Holmes. And what was your reaction? To mock her presents and belittle her cooking! You didn't even wish her happiness.'

Holmes frowned. 'This female obsession with random dates.. . ' he began, but I was already halfway down the stairs bearing a neatly wrapped package from Mr Fortnum's emporium. (John C.H. Mounsey) 'Well, Watson, the carpenter has repaired the cabinet excellently.' 'Cabinetmaker, Holmes. A carpenter is a builder of large structures. However, the man was not a cabinetmaker at all. He was bogus. He was probably a thief doing the task while making a careful inventory of our possessions.'

'Surely not, Watson?' 'Indeed, Holmes. Observe that the fellow has used raised-head screws on the hinges — they should be countersink heads. Note too that the screw key-ways should all he in the vertical plane, not randomly set. Furthermore, I observed him overtighten the screws. They should have been fully tightened, then turned back half a turn. Also, since he was screwing into English oak he should have dipped the tip of each screw into petrola- tum. That would have made his task much easier.'

'Watson, you astound me!'

'Holmes, you are good with a violin. I am good with tools.' (Sid Field) 'The Major's an impostor.' 'Explain yourself, Watson.'

'Fellow claimed to be a Barset Fusilier, but didn't know the Barsets haven't saluted with the right arm since Oudenarde. Served with them in '83 in Kamperdong, he said, but a military friend told me plague kept the army clear of the place all that year. I'd suspected him from the start of being a merchant seaman. When we shook hands, his palm confirmed it. British ships still called at ICamperdong, but my sailor-cousin recalls no shore-leave was allowed. He could have seen the anchorage, but he couldn't have stolen the idol.'

Holmes snorted out of habit.

'Secondly, I know Barkley Manor. The tower which the fellow claimed to have seen collapsed in the 1860s, years before he said he was there. And the station wasn't opened until last year.'

'Why lie?'

'On that, Holmes, my talent must yield to your genius.' (Fergus Porter) When I entered, my old friend handed roe a dark brown overcoat.

'For once, Watson,' he said frowning, 'my powers of observation fail me. I can deduce nothing from this garment.' He smiled. 'But per- haps you have learnt some small lessons in my company?' He tossed the coat to me. 'Kindly enlighten us both.'

I examined the item cursorily.

'It belongs to a medical man, with experience in the British army. He has suffered a wound while on service, and recuperated in India. He is unmarried, and currently resides here in London.'

'Good Heavens!' Holmes exclaimed. 'How have you concluded all that?'

'Because it is my overcoat, you buffoon!' I cried. 'I forgot it, and came back for it!'

'Oh — ah —' stammered my friend. 'I picked up the wrong. . . By the way,' he continued hastily, 'did lever tell you about the curious affair of the Archbishop's glass eye?'

(Paul Hatton)