" Spectator" Conference for Personal Problems

Readers' Problems

[At the beginning of last October the Editor appointed a Comiretite- e composed of two medical psychologists (one man and one woman), the chief pathologist of a London hospital, the head mistress of a large elementary school, and a priest of the Church of England. Readers with personal problems in which they would appreciate help were invited to consult the Committee, and the members tried to arrive at a common solution. Since the Conference began its work nearly three hundred readers have placed their problems before the members. Often they were problems of great difficulty ; but a great number of corre- spondents have expressed their gratitude for the aid that this impartial advice has given them. It is now felt that the Confer- ence has accomplished the best part of its work, and after the present week it will cease to hold its meetings. In our next issue Mr. Alan Porter will describe the whole work of the Confer- ence, and the results which it has achieved.] " One of my cousins is ruining his life through drink. Twenty years ago he married a woman ten years older than himself. She proved to be utterly selfish, neglected him, was unfaithful, and could not be bothered with children. It was his unhappy marriage which made him try to " drown his sorrows." He has a very obstinate disposition ; but kindness and affection mean much to him. His failure is a grief to him and to those who love him. Can nothing be done to make his life successful again ? "

We are not at all sure that any absolute change can be accomplished and our advice is offered with hesitation. When a man gives way to alcohol, it is generally the result of a discouragement which has shown itself earlier in life in other forms. Your cousin's marriage to a woman so much older than himself is a sure sign that he felt insecure and was looking for some kind of maternal affection ; for a com- forter rather than an equal.

To some of us our sorrows are so dear that we would rather keep them and adapt ourselves .to them by some form of escape from reality than get rid of them and face our life again with courage. If your cousin's dissatisfaction is really intolerable, if there are true signs that he would like to find a way to build up his life again, we think the best thing would be for him to see a medical psychologist. You see the difficulty, however. Perhaps sorrow and drink together are more to his liking than to be rid of sorrow and consolation at the same time. For example, if you suggest to him that he should have some talks with a psychologist, he may feel that his wife should be altered and not himself, and he may prefer to keep his reproach. If you can get him, of his own accord, to consult a psychologist, then half the battle would be won. If he went because you asked him, the situation would remain unchanged.

Such cases as these are always very difficult to help. Perhaps you yourself could do something by understanding his feeling of discouragement and trying to give him new confidence. He feels, no doubt, that because his marriage is a failure nothing else matters. He could be shown that in other ways he still has 'great value.

The chief thing to understand is that he is seeking for the absolute disinterested and self-sacrificing affection of a mother ; a kind of guarantee 'fund on which he can draw without the need to consider whether a return would be demanded. It is too much to ask ; and he found it too much in his own marriage. It is not too much to be given, provided that we realize the necessity for re-educating him in the end towards a sense of independence and self-sufficiency. Where, for some reason or other, a mother has not succeeded in providing her son with a feeling of stability and trust, and then in educating him to self-reliance; there is almost invariably this craving for a substitute mother ; for someone who will domplete the unfinished task.

If your cousin is feeling the need for help himself, a personal letter from him to us would put us in a better position to advise. Please do not take it as a personal failure if you do not succeed in changing his attitude. However wisely we act, we can never guarantee success ; and in difficult cases

we should take courage from having made a right effort,' not judge ourselves by our actual achievement.

" I am twenty-three years old and it is time that people took me seriously. My fiance is only two years older than I ; but he tries to refute whatever-I say. is it possible for two persons to live happily in married life if they do not agree on any subject under the sun ? "

It is not easy to solve problems in which one party only approaches us. Will you allow us, then, to treat your question as if it were wholly a difficulty provided by yourself, as if something were wrong with your own attitude to life ? Your hesitation and, at the same time, the acuteness of your posi- tion, come precisely from that feeling that you are not " taken seriously." Is not this the reason why you involve yourself in argument ? You are hoping for a victory that will prove how important you are ; but the victory never comes.

We ourselves always find it useful to assume, in whatever pain or anxiety people find themselves, that they uncon- sciously choose to have it so. The advantage of a continual warfare is that we always remain with a possible victory up our sleeves. We suffer from a continual series of defeats, but we feel that they are only temporary setbacks and that the position will sooner or later be inverted.

By such a choice of action we place ourselves in worse circumstances than we expect. What is to be done ? First of all, to give up the fight. Our own value cannot be proved in these transitory ways. It takes patience, persistence and generosity to get other people to take us at our own estimate. By giving up the fight we do not necessarily mean " give up your engagement." Don't you think, honestly, that if there were not these arguments you would be hard put to it to say anything at all ? Our suggestion is that, while you are making up your mind, you should be as unruffled as you can, trying always to say something positive rather than flying to your own defence. We know this is a difficult course. If the situation is still grave, and we have not made ourselves clear, we should be glad if you wrote to us again.

Our chief point is that your confidence in your own value can be so firmly founded that you will not need to repulse pin-pricks with all your battery of heavy guns.

" One of my relatives refuses to live within her income, although it is sufficient ; she is always incurring debts, and

always comes to me to help her. I have given her a fresh start again and again ; and I am more than doubtful whether my gifts benefit her. I certainly think I could spend the money to better effect. She is a widow, has suffered much from ill-health,

worry and unusual misfortunes. I am sorry for her ; but would it not be better in the long run for her if I refused to give her

anything more and forced her to be responsible for herself ? "

Perhaps one difficulty is making the decision harder for You. You are very much concerned whether your money is being put to a worthy use. There is nothing which more quickly chills the springs of charity than the suspicion that the money we give is not being employed in the way we should

like it employed. Giving, however, should be absolute giving. We should not -wish to gain control over other people by our money. May I put it in another way ? It should not be when calls are being made on you that you are troubled at the

extravagance of your relative. If her way of life is to be corrected, we think you should have the personal friendliness to correct it on other occasions, when the question of monetary loss to yourself does not arise. It might improve the situation if sometimes you gave money unasked. Perhaps you might surprise your relative into a new train of conduct.

We sympathize with you in your difficulty and feel that our advice demands a great effort. In a way, it is asking almost too much of a human being when we demand that he should " abandon the fruits of merit "—do good and ask for no return. In the end the responsibility of disposing of the means with which you have been endowed is bound to be your own. At the least we can say : " Do not give if you grudge giving." But the more heroic effort of giving without asking for a return is the conduct, we think, which in our

hearts we demand of ourselves. ALAN PORTER. '