YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary. .
Q. My father is suffering. His driver, an ex- jockey (retired through injury), is a man whom he holds in great esteem. There is, however, a problem. The air quality in the car, which has for some time been poor, has recently deteriorated. The cause hitherto was pungent body odour, but an inadver- tent comment led his driver to overcom- pensate with unacceptable levels of over- powering cheap aftershave. In addition, his diet is clearly unbalanced. The obvious recourse is to open the window; but that is not possible during these winter months, for the ex-jockey is of slight frame. Short of causing offence, what can be done? Mary, can you help?
Name and address withheld.
4. Your father should buy some sneezing Powder from any joke shop. This will enable him to trigger at will an impressive sneezing attack the minute he gets into the car. This he can attribute to Late Onset Allergy Syndrome, explaining that his doc- tor has pronounced him suddenly allergic to a range of chemical smells. 'You're not wearing aftershave, by any chance?' he can sneeze, as the tears pour down his face, `That could be causing it.' As for the expul- sion of personal gases, should this continue your father will have to pay another trip to the joke shop. On this occasion he must steel himself to buy a packet of farting pow- der, swallow it and take the chauffeur on a 50-mile trip during which he himself can `give gas', as the Americans say, continu- ously. This will give him an opportunity to bring up the subject of indigestion in gener- al and gas-giving in particular: `I shouldn't have eaten those reheated vegetables! Do you ever have trouble with wind? Do you find it helpful to avoid eating certain foods?' etc. If all else fails, there is always the last resort of the `pollution mask' as worn by London cycling poseurs. Your father could sit in the back with his on, claiming that he now has an allergy to the materials used for car upholstery.
Q. The other day I withdrew from a pocket in my jacket a piece of paper bearing the name and phone number of a couple I have no recollection of meeting. How can I find out who they are and under what circum- stances I took down their details? As I am in `trade' I could well miss out on some fruitful business were I not to follow up this lead.
P.E., Sanderson, Wilts.
A. I see that you are linked to the world of taste and taste-broking. Why not, therefore, enlist the help of a friend working on a glossy magazine who can ring up the couple in question, saying, 'I'm doing an article on the most glamorous people in England and P.E. told me he met you recently and he suggested I ring you up and see if you would be willing to appear in the article. Can you tell me a bit about yourselves . . . ? Really? And where did you meet P.E ?,
Mary Killen
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