CITY AND SUBURBAN
Take a pig Dr Euronymus Bosch explains how not to make Gosky Patties
CHRISTOPHER FILDES
Ithought that by way of a change from high Euro-finance, we might turn this week to the Nonsense Cookery of Edward Lear. The recipes, which date from 1870, were first collected, so Lear said, by Professor Bosh. It is time for them to reappear in a sumptuous new edition, backed by a grant from Community funds, with an apparatus criticus by Dr Euronymus Bosch — who has found wholly new levels of meaning in the recipe for Gosky Patties. 'Take a pig,' this begins. 'Place 5 pounds of currants, 3 of sugar, 2 pecks of peas, 18 roast chestnuts, a candle, and six bushels of turnips, within his reach. If he eats these, constantly pro- vide him with more.' (This, Dr Bosch explains, is the Common Agricultural Poli- cy in action.) 'Then procure some cream, some slices of Cheshire cheese, four quires of foolscap paper and a packet of black pins. Work the whole into a paste.' (Pins, paste and paper stand for office life in Brussels, cream and cheese for Brussels lunches.) 'When the paste is perfectly dry, proceed to beat the pig violently, with the handle of a large broom. If he squeals, beat him again.' (If it isn't hurting, it isn't work- ing.) 'Visit the paste and beat the pig alter- nately for some days, and ascertain if at the end of that period the whole is about to turn into Gosky Patties.' (Visit Europe's currencies and beat its economies, and see if the whole is about to turn into an ever closer union.) 'If it does not, then it never will, and in that case the pig may be let loose, and the whole process may be con- sidered as finished.' Quite so. I hope there will be a presentation copy for the spon- sors. Next week: Peter Rabbit and the let- tuce mountain.
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