YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Q. How can I stop my wife from prattling on the telephone to her friends? Each time I come home I find her lying back on the sofa, gazing out of the window and just talking about nothing in particular.
G.F., Spennithome, Yorkshire A. Make an excuse to rearrange the seating or indeed the socket so that the telephone is no longer adjacent to your wife's pre- ferred lounging area. The diminished physi- cal comfort involved in making calls should soon lead to a diminished number of units being notched up on your account.
Q. I have just had my first baby at an older than average age. My best friend — who already has three children and now a new baby of the same age as my own — is com- ing to stay for a night and I am dreading having to listen to her bullying me about how I ought to be doing things. Given that she is very conceited and bossy by nature anyway, how can I stop her from lecturing me on this subject — on which she consid- ers herself to be an expert — for the full 24 hours of her visit? Name withheld A. Hand your friend a new notebook when she arrives and say, 'Now I want you to write down everything you can think of that I should be doing because I know I'll forget
Dear Mary.. .
it all instantly if you just tell me.' As the pages fill up, your friend will be faced with uncomfortable evidence of her bossiness. She will begin to preface her advice with 'I won't bother to write this down I'll just tell you . . .' You must interrupt, claiming the post-puerperal stupidity which afflicts many women, pleading, 'Oh, but would you mind writing it down otherwise I know I'll forget it and it would be so helpful for me.' Lec- turing will lose its appeal if it involves phys- ical effort, and your friend will soon be happy to repair to more relaxing subjects such as gossip and nonsense, or `nonny' as it is fashionably known.
Q. How can I let it be known, subtly, that my suits do not come from Simpsons but are, in fact, hand-made in Savile Row? I am making a lot of money at the moment, but it seems rather childish actually to tell my friends how much the suits cost. A.C., W8 A. One feature unique to hand-made suits is that the buttons on the cuffs can be undone. Why not just fiddle with them until your friends, irritated, pass comment in order to get you to stop? You can then say, `Sorry. That's the problem with these hand- made suits. I find fiddling with the cuffs irresistible because of course you can't do it with an off-the-peg one.'
Q. I am sharing a house and kitchen facili- ties with three other students in Fulham. How can I stop the others from stealing my milk, eggs, bread etc. so there is nothing for me by the time I wake up? I am the only one who is together enough to buy in things for breakfast.
D.B., Chesilton Road, SW6 A. Why not invest in an 'Electric Egg', as supplied by Patrick Pinker (0454 228416) at only £10.50? This device has been designed for use on chicken farms and is intended to `deliver a non-fatal shock' to educate ani- mals who attempt to eat their own eggs. A crocodile clip connects the correctly coloured metal egg to the electricity outlet and you can rest assured that this sort of aversion therapy will soon teach your fellow `digs dwellers' a lesson.
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