By Tamzin Lightwater MONDAY
Dear me! Why does everyone take what we say so literally? When Dave declared that he wanted to end Punch and Judy Politics he was speaking metaphorically. He didn’t mean he was literally going to stop shouting abuse at Gordon. That would be silly. We need to hold the government to account. The British people would never forgive us if we didn’t tell the truth about Gordon — for example that he is useless and weird! Not to mention overweight, miserable and — yes — a loser. What’s more, these insults aren’t random. They have been scientifically worked out. I personally sit on the working group that comes up with them. It takes many hours of careful planning to make it look as if former public schoolboys are spontaneously hurling abuse across the despatch box — as if they were back in the common room setting off stink bombs! In fact, all our insults go through a series of rigorous safety trials and are roadtested thoroughly on focus groups before use. I hope that’s cleared up the confusion. Although I know certain fiber-modernisers with two brains and a penchant for saying silly things about grammar schools are never going to stop complaining on account of their impending and well-deserved sacking.
TUESDAY V jolly trip to a fish and chip shop with Boris and Dave. Much discussion in car of what colour ties they will wear at victory rally. Sam and Marina weren’t a bit helpful. Spent entire time scribbling figures on Smythson’s notelets. When Dave asked what they were doing Sam said it was the costings for the new Routemaster buses. She was all, ‘Oi Dave, ’ow many d’you say he wants? Nah that’s never gonna work with that per unit overhead... you’re gonna have to redo the projected revenue analysis Mazza...’ Honestly. She’s so uncouth sometimes. Can’t she just smile and look supportive?
Also, can I just say? When Gids said we want to curb the power of the unions, he didn’t mean curb in the sense of curtail or limit. He just meant that we might like to have a little look at employment legislation. No harm in looking is there? Or is looking at things a crime now? And peo ple wonder why we don’t make policy! Clearly, if we did, we’d spend our entire time trying to dig ourselves out of holes.
WEDNESDAY The full Boris briefing plans are now in place! Plan A — We reveal just how closely involved Dave was in planning victory, including those brainstorming lasagne suppers in full. Lines to take: Boris is greatest Tory since Churchill. Brandon Finlay, strategic genius, announced as our general election campaign manager and PPC for Henley.
Plan B — We reveal how Dave was sceptical from the start but talked round by a member of his inner circle (to be decided — poor Gids!). Lines to take: Finlay is a right-wing headbanger who will never advise this great party again; Boris appointed head of social justice subcommittee on impact of free bus travel for the elderly.
THURSDAY D Day! Jed has ordered in extra muffins and we’re hunkering down for the count. Wish Mr Pickles would stop wandering around fussing and trying to engage me in conversation about his predictions for something called shadow unitary authorities. All I can hear is ‘wah wah wah’. This isn’t about numbers of council seats. It’s about two giants of the political world locking horns in a monumental battle of good versus evil! Unless of course Bozza loses. In which case it’s definitely about numbers of council seats.
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