COMPETITION

Anglo-US rift

Jaspistos

IN Competition No. 1491 you were invited to invent an exchange of letters between a Briton and an American in which the difference between the writers' mode of expression and meaning is excru- ciating and/or crucial.

I had hoped that the dividing nature of our common language would have given rise to a wealth of Anglo-American con- trast and comedy, but the entries were few and there was a tired reliance on the half a dozen well-known words which can cause embarrassing confusion. David Heaton, Watson James and Charles Mosley worked hard and I enjoyed S. Truman's scarifying threat from the British correspondent: 'After this atrocious behaviour Jack and I have no choice: we will cut you if we see you again.'

The winners chose themselves, and get £18 apiece; the bonus bottle of cask strength Glenfarclas whisky, kindly pro- vided by the Scotch Malt Whisky Society, is D. B. Jenkinson's.

After providing so many top winners for so many years with bonus booze, I am beginning to run out of sponsors. If any- body, individual or company representa- tive, who reads this comes to my rescue they will have a place in my heart and the annals of the Spectator.

Hi Chuck, 5/11/87

Your Norfolk outfit seems real nice. Just a few inquiries ahead of reservation finalising: what's else free, side of range produce? Have those broads had negative physical checkouts? Do you have something neater than regular transportation? Define 'near-by access' please on account I bathe daily two times. How are you fixed roomwise 8/1/87 thru' 8/12/87?

Truly yours, T. C. Friche II

Dear Mr Frichell, 20/5/87 Your letter dated November 5th has caused some confusion. November hasn't yet arrived in England. Furthermore, we close from October to April so a full year's stay is out of the question. Regrettably, the Broads are somewhat polluted but the buses are reasonably clean and tidy. Our private bathing-hut is on a beach, approximately six miles away. All things consi- dered, you may feel that Burlington Manor does not meet your holiday requirements.

Yours sincerely, Charles Burlington-Burke (D. B. Jenkinson) Dear Mr Secretary,

Your invitation to the Garden Party on 27 April mentions 'morning dress'. The suit I customarily wear in the mornings does not incorporate a vest. I am anxious to get things right — would a vest be correct on this occasion? An additional item of information which might influence your reply is that I would anticipate to be wearing black suspenders at that time.

Dear Mr Hackenberg, Her Majesty directs me to inform you that April can indeed be cool in the Palace grounds, and that you should by all means wear a vest if you are of a delicate disposition. A possible alternative would be to bring one with you and keep it in your boot as a precaution.

As to the other undergarment you mention, you will find a wide degree of tolerance here; but it would perhaps be better if it were not displayed openly. (Noel Petty) Dear John,

Another Dear John letter! I hope you're not in such a terrible state now you've moved to California. We're all tickety-boo here, what with our new place overlooking the sea; terrible fall in prospect, of course, but we can skip worrying that. Is the weather bad your end too? I'm all beefed up for the rugger — local women's keyed up to be a terrific hooker. Will have a ball anyway (pardon pun!). Novel meanwhile finished, and last chapter. despatched!

Love, Clarissa Dear Clarissa, Glad to hear about the house; anxious about the rest, although glad the book's out of the bog, and you've got your end away. But I've a confession: I'm into fags as of this moment, and I guess this affects our relationship. Still, Que Sera. It was real honest about the rugger, and I hope being on the game doesn't screw you up too badly. Love, John (Len Wellergerbil) Dear Senator, Going through old records we discovered that your maternal great-grandmother Lobelia was a Finnackapan by birth. You may be interested to know that the Finnackapan ancestral seat has recently been tastefully restored, at considerable expense, and in order to make it pay we now accept a select clientele of paying guests. You are naturally prominent on our list. We strive to cater for all tastes. There are lovely invigorating tramps here that we are confident will appeal to you. Yours sincerely, (Dame) Elizabeth Finnackapan (Dame) Cecilia Scrope-Shotte You dames sure have sauce. You can cut out the fancy crap as in plain American this smells like a shake-down and I've wised the FBI to your little game. I don't care a racoon's ass-hole what record my great-grandmother had. She'd have quietened down in the wholesome air of Wyom- ing. This is a clean-living God-fearing state and I reckon to stay with the wife I've had for forty years without racketing off like a sex-crazed Democratic pervert for kicks in a jazzed-up castle in foreign parts.

(George Moor)