THE MACALLAN

COMPETITION

Bouts-rimes

Jaspistos

IN COMPETITION NO. 2053 you were invited to write a poem with 15 rhyme- words in a certain order.

The rhyme-words came from Browning's poem, 'Popularity', which ends with the gloriously Browningesque stanza:

Hobbs hints blue — straight he turtle eats; Nobbs prints blue — claret crowns his cup; Nokes outdares Stokes in azure feats - Both gorge. Who fished the murex up? What porridge had John Keats?

`Keats' wasn't easy to wheel in casually, being nothing else but the poet, but 'woof was delightfully protean: Mike Morrison intrigued me by pointing out that in north- ern dialect it means 'catfish', and Andrew Brison used it amusingly as a shortened form of `woofter', one who's 'sure to grow up/With a limp-wristed interest in Keats'.

In judging I favoured variety of approach. The prizewinners, printed below, get £25 each, and the bonus bottle of The Macallan The Malt Scotch whisky goes to Henry Hogge.

`Poor little dachsie, has he lost his woof?' says she to me and gives my thigh a squeeze, proffers the purple pill with promised proof that it will raise me 45 degrees.

— Only a sleeping slug had held aloof! All passion spent, we say, Wow! that was fine!' Was ever bliss so rapturous as this last?' `The sun's a choc-ice when our limbs combine!' `Roll over, famous lovers of the past!'

— and grow more vexed at each succeeding line.

For Love is still the pelican that eats from her own breast, and Lust's the tainted cup from which we drink regret to forlorn feats. Forlorn! the very word just screws me up. Now, who said that? Some poet — maybe Keats?

(Henry Hogge) Her name is Ruth (she says it 'Woof) And she's my latest squeeze - A dumb blonde who's the living proof That babes don't need degrees.

At first I tried to be aloof, And it was working fine; But cool remoteness didn't last (I should have known — I had a past Of falling for a line).

I may not like the way she eats Or slurps tea from a cup, But oh, the way her bedroom feats Have kept my pecker up.

She's poetry in motion and she beats the pants off Keats. (lain Colley) He chuckled at his doggie's 'woof And gave his mummy's knees a squeeze, But far too soon demanded proof Of God, and chased obscure degrees, Became remote, estranged, aloof.

His life in academe was fine At first. Still young, he found at last That alcohol and drugs combine To give a poet quite a past But mark his palm with shortened line.

A man is much more than he eats But soon becomes what's in his cup, And early literary feats Mean nothing when the muse dries up.

He died at twenty-six, like Keats. (Philip Stapleton) Into poetry's warp and woof You wondrously contrived to squeeze Gold passages providing proof That you deserved those high degrees That set the prophet-poet aloof.

The Muses' pet, you paid the fine; You sensed your summer would not last.

Your deathless verses yet combine To raise your spirit from the past And spill your soul in every line.

And so as one, today, who eats The food you served and drains your cup, Envious lover of your feats I voice your words and raise you up: You were not born for death, dear Keats.

(Frank McDonald) Through the muslin's warp and woof Give the berries one last squeeze; Though it starts at 13 proof, It gets stronger by degrees. Don't just stand and look aloof, You'll enjoy our vintage fine Each one better than the last. Our receipt is to combine Grapes and currants. Now the past Year's is ready. Join the line. Auntie Jane supplies the 'eats'. Fill your plate and grab a cup, Watch the daring drinking feats. Now then, let me top you up `With beaded bubbles' — just like Keats!

(Alanna Blake) Do not expect a donkey to cry 'Woof.

There's no affection in a credit squeeze.

When told you will be killed, don't ask for proof.

Never employ a plumber with degrees.

If colleagues talk of 'bonding', stay aloof.

Counselling will come cheaper than a fine.

It is the clever horse that comes in last.

Beware when friends and enemies combine.

Amnesiacs don't brood about their past.

Never play chess upon a railway line.

Don't chatter to a tiger while it eats.

When coffee's Turkish, do not drain the cup.

If you're a sloth, don't try athletic feats.

A bronco ride will always buck you up.

If you write modern verse, don't copy Keats.

(Geoffrey Riley)