YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary.. .
Q. I am living in a seemingly respectable block of flats and for the second time in my life have arranged delivery of a daily news- paper, weekdays only. This paper has been stolen from inside the front door four times in three weeks. After the third time, I put up a notice asking, 'Who has taken my newspaper?' explaining that even if I wasn't there sometimes on the morning it arrived, I still liked to read back copies. Needless to say, I have had no response. Yesterday, having been delayed in Sussex, I arrived at mid-day to find it gone. However, when I returned at midnight, it had mysteriously reappeared outside my flat (fifth floor), with the monthly newsagent's bill tucked inside. I can't help feeling that the presence of this bill was the only reason the culprit thought fit to return the paper at all. I am thinking of leaving tomorrow's paper on the doormat and spreading marmalade or ink on the inside pages, or putting a small booby-trap inside it to see what happens. What do you suggest?
Worried Londoner, W11 A. Marmalade or ink would be unsuitable booby-trapping devices. Instead you should visit a specialist shop such as Spymaster at 3 Portman Square, London W1 (0171 486 3885) where you could splash out £30 on some Invisible Detection Powder. Sprinkle it onto pages two and three of the paper one morning, then put it back on the mat. That evening, or a few evenings later, arrange a drinks reception in your own flat for fellow residents. The culprit's hands will be stained a semi-permanent violent shade of green but this will only be visible with the aid of a pencil-thin ultraviolet torch (also £30 from Spymaster) which you will have up your sleeve as you hand over the drink. This amateur detection process should give you a lot of childish pleasure and is sure to induce a feeling of warmness, rather than resentment, towards your exposee, who will have no idea that he or she has been unmasked. Next time the paper goes missing you can simply rap on his or her door and, beaming affectionately, ask if they have finished with it.
Q. How about Uxeter (Uttoxeter); Pumfret (Pontefract); Suthall (Southwell)? All have racecourses!
J.S., East Morden A. Thank you. We have already had Pom- fret. There is also Ask't as opposed to Ascot.
Q. May I mention rooksack, not rucksack?
D.S., Lyme Regis, Dorset A. Yes, you may.
Q. What should you do when you need a tissue suddenly and a fellow guest at a lun- cheon invites you to use his perfectly starched large white linen handkerchief?
Name and address withheld A. Clearly you could not accept. Simply reply, 'Thank you very much but it is a short walk to the lavatory and a supply of loo paper.'
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