COMPETITION
World-beater
Jaspistos
IN COMPETITION NO. 2100 you were invited to supply an imaginary newspaper account of a new and bizarre feat which has won entry in The Guinness Book of Records.
The longest writer's block in the history of literature, the world's largest musical box, the world's largest ever performance of syn- chronised paddling, the largest vertical ring doughnut to be kept up for one minute by purely human agency, the swallowing, whole, of eight live gerbils by a Mancunian, the first person to swim the 'Treacle Mile' (real length 200 metres). . .. Thank you for stretching the stiffening joints of my imagi- nation. The prizewinners, printed below, get £25 each, and the bottle of The Macallan Single Malt Highland Scotch whisky goes to Bill Greenwell for his unique 'floating voter'.
Nico Cresswell yesterday became the first person to bend genders for the third time. Nico, 45, began life as Nicola, but underwent counselling, and later surgery, in 1980. In 1992, however, Nicholas, as he had then become, reverted to Nicci, only to turn up again as Nico in 1998. 'The • experience has been very painful,' explained Nico. `As a child, I was aware I was wrong-bodied; when Mrs Thatcher was elected in 1979, I knew I must become a man.' A change in the Tory lead- ership, however, led to a change in feelings. 'John (Bill eGreenwell) (27)w a s Exhausted but jubilant, Jez Th(ynri recovering today at his osteopath's after driving his new 'cricking' record straight into The Guinness Book of Records. Sixty hours' non-stop `cricking' (the newly fashionable sport of holding a mobile phone to one ear with head and shoulder only — handling disqualifies) had exacted its toll> but Jez untwisted enough to describe his training programme. 'Practice, practice, everywhere, every day — and ignore sad grizzlers on trains. You don't need someone on the other end, you eall Major made me feel the necessity to be feminine/ revealed Nico, whose upbringing was socialist. I couldn't share my vision with him.' But it was the Labour landslide which drove Nico back to the clinic. Asked why he was happy to share a gender with Tony Blair, he replied, 'I have recentlY become a Liberal Democrat.'
pretend — that saved me a packet. Stubble — not beard — gives extra adhesion; if your phone slips, you've had it. It's so tense, worse than chess, and you get old ladies in the street saying you're cook- ing your brain.' But on the streets a new genera- tion practises. It's a competitive world, and Jez is already looking nervously, if painfully, over his shoulder. (D.A. Prince) Kevin Wilmot, 35, has put Carshalton on the map by claiming the world record for the longest con- tinuous strip of peel cut from a single orange. Kevin's winning effort measures 1,876 metres, exceeding the previous record, held by a footwear salesman in Function Junction, Missouri, by over two metres. It is the thickness of a human hair. Kevin's success, he says, is due to more than skill and patience. 'You need the right orange. Organics are no good: the peel's too rough. I've tried Valencias, but with those brittle skins you're on a loser. Jaffas have the circumference, so do Outspan, only they're too slippery to handle.' Kevin won't name the variety used in his Guinness bid, only saying that it is not European and not widely known. As for the future, he's not planning to rest on his laurels. '2,000 metres for Y2K,' he says with a proud smile.
(Basil Ransome-Davies) The latest entry in The Guinness Book of Records details the achievement of Mr Jim Dim who has managed to accumulate 27 tyre tread patterns on various parts of his body, mainly his arms and legs. Mr Dim's accomplishment, although involving a measure of masochism, also needs courage, for he gains his 'stigmata' by lying down in front of friends' vehicles as they drive over one or other of his extended limbs. At the moment his collection is quite random, but he is determined to specialise in specific patterns and/or makes of car, and hopes to survive the ultimate tread mark across his head when he has had more practice. (R.J. Pickles) When her Daddy's feats of conspicuous spaghetti consumption were excised from The Guinness Book of Records for gluttony, young Cherysh Borkman resolved to restore the family name to the only book her father had ever read. 'At the time, I really liked that cute song 'How Much Is that Doggy in the Window?' So I figured I'd listen to it over and over, all day an' all night, until I'd set a record. Sounds simple, don't it?' It might have been, too, but a woman in Tokyo simultane- ously mounted a rival attempt. It took 17 years for Cherysh to see off her rival — 'I bear no malice, she's institutionalised now' — but she isn't stop- ping yet. 'I wanna make sure my record lasts forev- er!' Does she still enjoy the song? 'Sure. The doc- tor says, when all this is over I'll be able to hear it inside my head. That'll be neat!' (Adrian Fry) Thousands have climbed the awesome Ben MacCruadhaeigh, but none, surely, with the panache and determination of Colonel Reggie Ragmore, who tamed the savage peak with a fridge-freezer strapped to his back. The Colonel confessed that this was his 13th attempt at kitchen-appliance mountaineering. Joy was mixed with sorrow, for his father, Rumboldt Ragmore, was swept to his death 20 years earlier, almost to the day, as he attempted to haul an Aga cooker to the top of the same mountain. With some emo- tion, the Colonel spoke of how the freezer door swung open, yards short of the summit, and his father's hand was there to close it. At that moment,' the Colonel said, 'I looked ahead and saw him smiling, with his Aga on his back, beckon- ing me on. I knew then that the record was ours.'
(Andrew Brison)
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