Low life
Game try
Jeffrey Bernard
think I very nearly died last Sunday. I lwas sitting in the garden watching the filthy pheasants mating — they really ought to call it a day now that it's May — and I suddenly was sick and had the most awful pain in my chest. It was probably heart at- tack number one. Minutes after that a bee keeper arrived to add some boxes to the hives outside to extend them and make room for more honey. I happen to be frightened of most things that sting, apart from women and editors, and when I told the bee keeper so he said to stay well clear of the hives during thundery weather. It puts them in something of a tizz. Anyway, all that didn't do much to improve the pain in the chest.
No sooner had the bee keeper gone than a young woman knocked on the door and asked me, 'Are you the gamekeeper?' Now do I look like a gamekeeper, I ask you? Is a gamekeeper to be found in a garden at 11 a.m. nursing a heart and a large vodka? And does a gamekeeper wear jeans and a blazer? But she looked rather nourishing so I asked her in and implied that although I was not a gamekeeper I was willing to learn and had in the past four weeks introduced many pheasants to each other. But she wasn't in the mood for playing so I went back into the garden to soak up some more sun and more elevenses. Then I saw an extraordinary thing. A rabbit and a weasel having a fight. The weasel won inside the distance, biting the rabbit in the neck. I don't trust a rabbit that I haven't killed myself so I didn't stew it and threw it the fence into the field. Within five minutes it was being pecked by rooks.
Mother Nature is working overtime in Wiltshire and she's taken a job in your actual Salisbury itself. When I went into the New Inn on Friday just for the one between Marks & Spencer and the delicatessen, who should walk in but a load of old Fleet Street faces who'd come down for the funeral of the poor, unfortunate policewoman, Yvonne Fletcher. Now, as it happens, I'm not crazy about journalists, but it was delightful to see the likes of Paul Curran, John Akass and Ed Vine. It was the first time I've seen men in Salisbury who didn't flinch in front of the bar. And why should they? It was estimated in the Coach and Horses last Monday that John Pilger earns something in the region of £40,000 a year, which is enough for a round of drinks. Anyway, the aformentioned hacks brought a tone of civility to a pub where a man had been talking to me for 30 minutes about the weather, and the only man I know who can talk interestingly about the weather for more than five minutes is P. J. Kavanagh.
But what is vitally important about the weather is the dependency on it of the state of the going. Saturday sees the 2,000 Guineas and any drops of rain between now (Tuesday) and then will lessen the chances of Keen which I've had the biggest bet on that I've struck for years. That in itself should stop it from winning but I can't forget the way Lester was looking nonchalantly over his shoulder for non-existent dangers fully a furlong from home when he won last time. When Lester does that it's something akin to seeing Ian Botham walk down the wicket before the ball has left the bowler's arm. To give you a further warning I have inflicted a penalty on the French filly L'Orangerie for the 1,000 Guineas. But a friend of mine who owns a few garages tells me that he's had £8,000 to £15,000 on El Gran Senor for the 2,000 Guineas. I think it's quite crazy since I don't think that 15-8 is particularly good value in a Classic race. What's more he's had £2,000 to win on Mahogany for the 1,000 Guineas. Both horses are considered to be unbeatable by their stables and so was Sonny Liston when the then Cassius Clay dumped him on his arse at 8-1.
But I do think that there should be Arts Council grants for those of us punters who need a bottle of Dutch courage before they can write out a cheque for more than they can afford to put on a horse. In the unlikely event of Keen winning — God knows the owner, Lord Howard de Walden, needs the prize money — this column should be datelined Istanbul next week. Maybe Bom- bay since they're still racing there. But, come what may, I shall be at Epsom on 6 June to see Rainbow Quest win the Derby and then probably Barbados after Siberian Express has won at Ascot. If all fails I sup- pose I could get a job as a gamekeeper since I appear to look the part.
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