No. 1316: The winners JasPistos reports: Competitors were asked for

a Parody of an editorial in the Sun. The Sun is low, to say the least,

Although it is well red; But since it rises in the yeast It should be better bred. (I quote Gelett Burgess's punning dig at the know York sister-paper.) How low I did not 'now till I opened my first-ever issue to educate myself for this competition. Aghast and delighted, I read:

TIE RABETT had a brief moment of fame as one of Prince Andrew's girlfriends.

child she had cancer.

toShe conquered that cruel disease and went on achieve success in perhaps the most demon- hg and competitive career any girl can follow ss as a model.

Y okuantie's courage should be an example to other gsters when Andrew is a middle-aged stay- at-homl st Many of you did well to approach this e.andard. Perhaps Basil Ransome-Davies pain managed to surpass it in his opening Paragraph: We all believe in democracy, don't we? That's .w,h.rait our system is all about. But some people othielaske.that gives them the right to vote as they b lAnYwaY, £10 to each winner printed Ne,i'°w and the bonus bottle of Firestone .erlot, Ambassador's Vineyard, 1979, the gift f Mr Neville Abraham of the Cafe des u Is du Vin, Covent Garden, to Mary Ann Well. SUN-LOVERS, you've had your worth this Easter, whether you poached in the Cool, scrambled in the sand or fried in the Ford nig18113r t TEACHERS aren't satisfied with a fort- lenassiciberea k. They want term time to be one They re working-to-rule after the hots. will Ieat jht.1_8111 Their day lasts five hours, so it sfeRr uEles OK. And of course it's our kids who suf The • Every time. film. hot do militants must be forced to eat in °I" words. u_. aehers say they are 'too busy' to attend '11on meetings. Stuff and rubbish. Anybody with half an eye, or no eye at all, can see they haven't a leg to stand on.

How about a straight swap, Mum? Miss (or Sir) wouldn't last five minutes at home!

(Mary Ann Moore) They say imitation is a form of flattery. So we were delighted to hear that a team of crack journalists had been commissioned to dream up a fake edition of your super Sun. We'd have had a good laugh — IF it had ever got off the ground.

But it didn't.

The experts were stumped. Flummoxed. They SCRATCHED their heads. They STROKED their chins. They TWIDDLED their thumbs. And then they had to admit defeat. For Britain's best-loved paper is simply in- imitable.

NOW we hear that readers of that egghead journal The Spectator have been challenged to have a go. Will any of them be able to capture our sizzling readability? We wish them luck. We might even offer them a job! BUT WE DON'T RECKON MUCH TO THEIR CHANCES!!

(Peter Norman) The Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr ('Bleeding Heart') Runcie, is at it again. He's already shot his mouth off in defence of • unemployed scroungers • the harridans of Greenham Common • 'oppressed' blacks in South Africa Now he weeps over the families of striking miners. He wants the churches to take up collec- tions on their behalf.

How bloody stupid can this 'man of God' get?

Nobody asked the miners' wives to back the Moscow-paid thugs who want to bring Britain to her knees.

Wrap up, Runcie! Drop the cant, Canterbury! To hell with your whining waffle about 'Chris- tian charity'!

Marie Antoinette had the right idea. She said of the poor who were short of bread, 'Let them eat cake.'

The Sun says — sod the miners' families! LET THEM EAT COKE!

So the architects are at it again. The National Gallery wants an extension for its pictures. Easy enough, you'd think in these days of DIY en- thusiasts. But not for architects, to judge by the verbal ding-dong and the carry-on at the never- ending public inquiry. No one has paused to ask whether the National Gallery should be given more space. Are all old pictures really necessary? The Sun would be proud to have Goya's Duchess of Alba and a few Ettys, but most of them we wouldn't give house- room to. Take a good hard look, we say and throw out the junk. (George Moor) (Roger Woddis)

When it comes to cleaning up Britain brave little Pat shows true grit.

Five-year-old Pat goes out every day to clean up Greenham Common because she says the mess makes her feel ick. No matter how the Greenham women sneer she does her bit to pick up litter. Yesterday even in the middle of a riot she used her Union Jack coloured dustpan to clean up waste and worse while so-called Peace Fighters jeered. That is why there is hope for Britain yet when can show the way to a lot of mums who ought to know better! one pat-riot-ic little girl (T. Griffiths)