No. 1673: Spooner v Spooner
You are invited to imagine that Dr Spoon- er had a twin, that they met once and had a short conversation (maximum 120 words) rich in Spoonerisms. Please supply the script. Entries to 'Competition No. 1673' by 19 April.
Multi-storey car-parks, sir, amazing places woman drove into one — round and round top floor, took last place — great relief — forgot to switch off — didn't notice — easy mistake to make — car kept going — through outside wall — fell six floors — landed in one-way street going wrong way, as luck would have it flagged down — made perfect three-point turn — people cheered — into garage — had wash and polish — off again — more cheering — back into car park — round and round — top-floor space still empty — switched off — woman returned and unloaded shopping — drove home — told husband uneventful day, very.
(David Heaton) Pope John Paul II — Protestant myself handsome is as handsome does — fine figure— wonderful singing voice — full-throat in Papal bathroom — Polish John McCormack — heard by nun — nun's nephew Italian Brian Epstein Pope unworldly — nun less — nephew's plea nun records Papa's bathroom arias — copyright contravention — world-wide sales — Taiwan nun's nephew Hollywood — Vatican protests vain — 104th week — His Holiness Top of the Popes. (George Moor) Sad case — ancient pile — terrible debt restoration urgent — Dean appointed by PM new broom, sweep clean — theological differ- ences — Dean low church, others high business management rules — Cathedral trea- sures on Australian tour to raise money — huge sums hoped for — vast expenses for escorting clergy—high jinks in Sydney — financial failure — expenses out of proportion — recriminations and accusations — Bishop prays for peace and goodwill — all in vain — professional psycholog- ists called in — all senior clergy in analysis hungry sheep not fed — national outcry nothing done.
(John Sweetman) 'Bless my soul!' exclaimed Mr Pickwick in amazement, pulling out his notebook. `So you are now a professional psychiatrist?'
'Practising — not professional', replied Mr Jingle, with an almost imperceptible twitch of his left eye. 'Treat patients — informal, though — infallible cure — own invention. Case last month: architect. Designed building — building collapsed — reputation gone — job lost — wife and family left him — ostracised by friends breakdown — delusions, strange voices. Seen six psychiatrists — all had breakdowns, too shocking business. Referred to me — last resort — cured one week — hey presto!'
'But how', enquired the bewildered Mr Pick- wick, 'did you achieve this miraculous result?' `Simple:Jingle's patent "hair of dog" treat-
ment — call it mental homoeopathy — sounds better. Patient — host of problems — over- whelmed — despair — so treat him by giving him further dose of troubles — enormous bill from me — takes mind off all other problems instantaneous recovery; financially ruined, of course, but sane again. Capital notion — very!'
(Geoffrey Riley) Bought a book today — curious impulse — can't explain — station bookstall — all kinds of things — feast of reading matter — journals — papers — saucy magazines — no time for browsing snap decision — picked up memoirs of literary fellow — knighted — son in same game dashed queer cove — all about other literary fellows — grumpy, what? — paying back old scores, shouldn't wonder — tavern talk — chap doesn't pay for drinks, bash him — chap toplofty with author, bash him — chap on bender, one in the eye for him — chap can't control bladder, hooray for him — rum, eh? — values all topsy-turvy — sign of times — seconds minutes — hours — months — all rushing away — old before you know it — womb to tomb left book on train — had to press on — lost property — too bad — shan't know how it ends up — careless — very.
(Basil Ransome-Davies)
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