YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Q. I work in London for an American- owned private intelligence agency. I have been personally responsible for uncovering sm'ne of the most highly publicised financial corruption scandals of the last two years. My problem is that, though my work is far More interesting than that of any of my contemporaries, I am — for obvious rea- sons — unable to discuss it. I feel this puts me at a disadvantage at dinner parties When girls, who know my line of work but not precisely what I am working on, try to coax me to tell them. How can I gracefully decline and put an end to their insistent Pleading, 'Go on, just tell me a little bit about it,' yet still sustain their interest in Me?
Name withheld, London W1 There is one suave way in which you could silence your questioners, yet stimu- late their suspicions that you are a more interesting person than you are allowed to reveal. Just give the cryptic response, 'It's kill
You.'
secret that if I tell you, I'll have to Kul you: Q. I have an extremely good library and a rkeasonably active social life. This means that People staying in the house frequently
Dear Mary. . .
begin a book and then want to take it with them when they leave. They always promise to return the book when they have finished reading it, but my experience is that people invariably forget to do so. How can I best deter such borrowers?'
L.G. Ludgershall A. Why not take your cue from bibliophile and poet Lord Moyne whose bookshelves are dentilled by pieces of stiff card? These stand in place of books on loan and on them borrowers are invited to fill out their name, the book's name, and the date on which it was borrowed. The ritual of writing out these details tends to instill a sense of responsibility on the part of the borrower. You will also find that guests who see such a system in operation will tend to return
finished books with alacrity. They will not wish subsequent house-guests to see their unreliability advertised by the date- stamped cards.
Q. I have an elderly bachelor aesthete com- ing to stay for Christmas. He is extremely good value but can also be rather sharp and touchy. For this reason I feel I cannot risk being frank with him about his clothes, of which he has one set, and which smell appalling. (He lives in Norfolk so tends to sleep in them during the winter.) What should I do?
V.M. London W11 A. Invite your guest to sit in the kitchen while you make some large, custard-based confection for consumption over Christ- mas. This will enable you to 'accidentally' spill a good pint or so of milk over the clothes, which you can then insist on strip- ping off him. Have to hand a spare outfit of men's clothing in his size which he can wear until you have effected the cleaning process on the offensive set.
Mary Killen
If you have a problem, write to 'Dear Mary, The Spectator, 56 Doughty Street, London WC1N 2LL
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