Home life
Holier than thou
Alice Thomas Ellis
We spent the weekend at the seaside with an old friend — a medical man. He told us at one point with quiet pride that he had just brought one of his patients back from the Brink of Death. I thought about this for a while and then I told him that if by chance he should ever discover me lying around on the brink of death I'd thank him to leave me there. I did not at all care for the sound of the condition of the grateful patient. Caroline and I have made a pact that if one of us should find herself incarcerated in a caring institution sur- rounded by idiots officiously striving to keep us alive, the other will whizz in with a wheelchair and whip her away. Plus all the morphine necessary, of course.
Many sorts of professional men cause the hackles to rise. I suppose the tax-man heads the list. I have only recently come as it were eyeball to eyeball with this person. Previously he bled my money away at source by stealth, but now I am called self-employed and I have to give it to him — in the sure and certain knowledge that he is going to spend it on torpedoes. I heard the other day that one torpedo costs a million pounds. I can't think how the rest of you have been tolerating him all this time. Next comes the bank manager. I don't like him. I'm sure I don't have to explain why. Bank managers are a separate species like zebras and differ very little each from the other. Lawyers are detest- able (with the glorious exception of my friend, Clare), with judges in a special category. Judges are distinguished by such asinine arrogance, such invincible ignor- ance of the ordinary way of the world that the non-judge can only flop around like a flounder gasping in disbelief at the way they carry on. Did you know that most judges only ever meet other judges soci- ally? I suppose no one else could stand them.
Architects are arrogant too. Like most of the rest of the population I should like to round them up and make them live in a tower block. For ever. When you see what they've done to our cities for ever is not long enough. Politicians. Ugh. I suppose dentists and opticians and vicars do less harm than good but they're all too bossy for my taste — 'What have you been doing to your teeth . . . glasses . . . soul?' Caro- line finds homeopaths the worst. They clutch your pulse, roll their eyes heaven- wards and inquire how on earth you got your liver into that state. The answer is obvious, so why ask the question?
Homeopaths, being so pure themselves, just enjoy disapproving of other people which brings me back to our friend of the weekend. He greatly disapproves of smok- ing, so naturally I smoked like a nuclear reactor all the first evening. I smoked so much I poisoned myself, and the next day decided that I never wanted to see another cigarette ever again. He was very pleased `Shrimps caught on the morning tide nest- ling in a crisp bed of lettuce topped with chefs unique dressing is off.' at this and when I started coughing my head off explained that this was usual, because my lungs had been anaesthetised by smoke and now were beginning to feel again. He painted a most moving picture of the poor things but instead of feeling compassionate towards them I felt a wave of the purest sadism. How dare the stupid things be so wet. You just wait — I told them — Carrera y Carrera for you as soon as I'm better.
I'm afraid I had a rather similar feeling about the old in the cold when Mrs Thatcher and Mr Kinnock were madly trying to outdo each other in the matter of who loved the old best, and who minded most if they all froze to death. Oooh. The hypocrisy of it made me grind my teeth so much I almost had to visit the dentist. That's the trouble with the bien pensants — rather than resemble them in any degree one rushes to the other extreme and finds oneself announcing that one is really, upon due consideration, actually rather in favour of bunging grandpa in the frigidaire. This same dreadful perversity drove me straight to the off-licence the moment we returned, where I bought a packet of 20 and pro- ceeded to demolish the lot. I've poisoned myself again and have given up smoking, but if anyone starts to treat me like a convert entering the fold I hereby give him notice that I shall take to smoking a meerschaum. So shut up.
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