Q. My sister-in-law, whom I am fond of and who
is very generous, has an annoying habit of inviting herself to the house whenever she likes, usually at very short notice. Each summer there is a music festival in a village near me. She happened to call on me last year at that time, and went with me to several of the events. Now she keeps saying, ‘I must come down again for the music festival’ as though it were a fait accompli. I have arranged a house party for the weekend in question and do not have any more room. She cannot take a hint, and if I tell her about the house party she will simply say either that she’ll come for the day or stay in a nearby hotel, making me feel very guilty. How should I deal with this, Mary?
Name and address withheld A. On a superficial level, your query seems mean-spirited, especially when you have admitted that your sister-in-law has attractive qualities and you enjoy her company. However this is an issue of territory — of psychological territory. The fact is that many of us assume different personae when interacting with our friends as opposed to our family members, and we can feel shifty and inhibited when simultaneously confronted by representatives from both groups. You can guiltlessly knock this problem on the head once and for all by baldly explaining this to your sister-in-law so that she sees you must be free to orchestrate the cast list for your own house parties. No doubt she will assume in the first instance that you are batty, but she will not hold it against you if you offer compensation in the form of another weekend party where the guest list is orchestrated especially to amuse her.
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