COMPETITION
No 596: Fads and fictions
A reviewer in last week's Times Saturday Review, wishing to include a new novel by Eric Ambler In those lists headed "Books That Have Influenced Me",' explained that such works 'generally are either of the famous old indirect-effect school (e.g. Kara- mazov keeps me Christian) or of the more dubious direct type (e.g. I learnt to love snorkelling through Bond).' In the light of this definition competitors are invited to submit extracts from either the auto- biography of a well-known public figure or
a fan letter from the same to his favourite author, acknowledging his indebtedness to a literary model for some important and char- acteristic aspect of his—or her—popular appeal. Limit 120 words; entries, marked 'Competition No. 596,' by 27 March.
No. 593: The winners
Trevor Grove reports: Mr Richard Cross- man was recently quoted as having said that in his view it would be 'quite unjustifi- able to guarantee an abortion as part of a package tour.' That he should even have given it a second thought seems a trifle extraordinary, but travel agents will no doubt be quick to see the implications of his remarks: they might be pleased to borrow a suggestion or two from this week's competitors, who were invited to draw up a holiday brochure pointing out other prac- tical advantages of a visit to the land of Shakespeare and socialism, cricket and luke- warm beer. Here's Margaret Cash. for in- stance, who still reckons the NHS our top five-star attraction and wins three guineas: 'Join the organ-stop tour! The culture- suture package deal! Face up to it—you're tired of the old you! So why not tour Britain and trade yourself in for an almost new model? London—and enjoy your per- sonalised liver transplant; Kenilworth—plus fresh, crisp kidneys for you; and in Haworth —guess what? Right! You get a happy, sappy heart! And the dear old NHS will throw in a set of film-star teeth, wigs in eight assorted colours, grannie specs and plastic surgery to your requirements to com- plete the new you. You'll return home re- freshed, recharged and reinvigorated—and no one will know you. Come right on over! And don't forget that blood group card! (Free insurance).'
As Arthur White points out, Britain is 'an island of quaint contrasts: a permissive society where it is a crime to drink in the afternoon, go to a theatre on Sunday or advertise for a French chef . . .' Most com- petitors, nevertheless, agreed that it was per- missiveness in all its aspects that afforded us the best chance of attracting the odd foreign visitor. Three guineas each to M. K. Cheeseman:
'Are you revolting enough for Britain? A unique opportunity to see the Britain of today, in all its revolting splendour. A full programme of student sit-ins, lock-outs, hotel smash-ups, marches, etc. Break up any three meetings of YOUR CHOICE from list supplied. Optional extras include the South African cricket demonstrations, Schools Ac- tion Committee march, Ford's strike and many, many others. Why not combine a round tour of Britain's ancient and modern seats of learning with the opportunity to make your voice heard on matters of public concern? Facilities will be provided for meeting British police, magistrates, prison warders, etc.
Also Demonstration Tours of Northern Ireland (please state preference of relig:on when writing for brochure) IT'S MARCH IN JUNE (or July, or whenever you like) IN BRITAIN THIS YEAR. Nus-Tours, London, England.'
. W. F. N. Watson:
'At last. The Holiday in the Round. Burst- ing with interest and thrills, yet finally leaving you contentedly glad that yOu're not a resident in delightfully puzzling Bri- tain. You will of course visit Stately Homes, with-it drama, historic shrines, trendy boutiques and Mersey Sound Caverns. But you will also take part in an unofficial strike, a student demo, an anti-apartheid cricket match in the rain and a Bank Holi- day traffic jam. Every tour guarantees you at least one exciting Party Political Broad- cast, a journey on a Football Special, a weekend in suburbia and a thrilling Bingo session. Savouring the fabulously varied, tradition-packed vagaries of British life as Britons live it, you'll really learn what makes the UK tick.'
... and Fergus Porter:
`Go on, indulge yourself, come to Permis- sive Britain. Come when you like, as you like, and with whom you like. Try Britain's old-established customs: wife-swapping at Eye, nude-bathing at Frinton, mass-groups at Bedminster. Play "Dodge the fuzz" as you flee your first police-raid on an adult movie. Visit art-galleries with the au-pair of your choice and travel away together in a Black Maria. Bandy definitions of hard- core porn. with Britain's famous magistrates (interpreters provided). Shop for the Pill among Britain's many pharmaceutists and sample their other wares. It's all, but all, happening in Britain. Why tarry? Come now. Contact Old Adam Tours . .
Mentions to Henry Hetherington and P. W. R. Foot (whose idea for filling strike- emptied schools with government-sponsored foreign tourists was ingenious but turned out to be sadly mistimed) and a final three guineas to E. 0. Parrott for a novel wheeze: 'Come and catch a Peyton Place. A rare and unique opportunity for TV fans of all ages. Anyone who missed out on any of the final thousand episodes of this moving classic story of a typical American town should certainly visit England this year where this beautiful series is still showing! You cannot afford to miss what you missed before. Also many old (some even antique) episodes of The Virginian, Impact, I Spy, The Lucy Show, He and She and many of illustrated luxury brochure that has been reserved for you.
HURRY, HURRY, HURRY; Free super-packs of Dorothy Malone Chew-gum to the first 100,000 applicants:
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