In a recent number of Harper's Weekly, Mr. Dooley offers
some remarks on the American abroad, and the inducements offered by the effete Monarchies of Europe to make a citizen of the United States renounce his allegiance to " Mack th' Wanst, or Twict." In his view, it all depends on how you feel. " If ye ar-re a tired la-ad, an' wan without much fight in ye, livin' in this coanthry is like tbryin' to read th' Lives iv th' Saints at a meetin' iv th' Clan-na- Gael." You may want to sit quiet, but you can't do it. " Some wan'll say, ' Look at that gazabo settin' out there alone. He's too proud f'r to jine in our simple dimmycratio festivities. Lave us go over an' bat him on th' eye.' An' they do it." On the other hand, if you join in the fighting, " it's scrap, scrap, scrap till the undhertaker calls f'r to measure ye. An' 'tis tin to wan they's somethin' doin' at th' funeral that ye're sorry ye missed. That's life in America. 'Tis a glorious big fight ; a rough-and-tumble fight; a Donnybrook fair three thonsan' mile wide, an' a ruction in ivry block." Hence the readiness of the " tired " man to go off to Europe, where " no one walks on me toes, an' ivry man I give a dollar to becomes an acrobat, an' I live comfortably an' die a markess." Mr. Dooley, however, is careful to add that he personally has no such desire for a quiet life, and would rather be "Dooley iv Chicago than the Earl of Peltville." Irishmen are never bored in America.
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